Dear Friends

  There are people in your life who change you.  People whose opinion you value more greatly than others, and whose company revives your spirit like only a few can do.  One such person was the maid of honor in our wedding.  We became friends when we roomed together after college.  This friend walked some amazing days with me, and always pointed me back to the Lord in the decisions I was making and in the relationships I was building.  She had front row seats as God brought Ryan and I together, and she became like a sister to me. 
  The Lord has arranged that my friend and I should serve Him on different continents for the last 11 years.  We keep in touch through Skype, emails, and the ever wonderful Facebook, but there is nothing like having her in our home.  Just recently, she and her family came to stay with us for a week; something that only happens once every few years. I know it is difficult for her family to share this time with our family, and I am grateful for their generosity. ( I know I would have a hard time sharing my daughter with another family if I only got to see her once every few years.)
  There is something about journeying through life together with her.  Our husbands have a grand time as well, and it makes for many moments of hysterical laughter, and who doesn't need that? The ease with which we pick up never ceases to amaze me.  You know you have a special friend when you can see them once every couple of years and it seems as though we just got together last week. 
  I remember during my public school days that a teacher once told me that to have even one such friend in your life is to be truly rich.  I feel blessed to have a handful of such friends, and though most would not define our family as wealthy, in this area we feel particularly blessed.  Seldom do you have people stay in your home for a week and you feel more refreshed than before they came.  I hope that Ryan and I can be that kind of friends to the people in our lives...to leave them refreshed after having spent time with us.
  I would like to encourage you to build and foster this kind of relationship with people who will tell you the truth, and love you where you are at.  Their value is far above the riches of the world.  Parenting can be draining and demanding, but to have such friends in your life will help you carry the load more gracefully.  And who doesn't need a healthy dose of grace in their life?

Purpose Driven

  Things were feeling a little sluggish around here recently.  After we finished homeschool, there was a mad dash to all the various screens in the house.  Computers, Itouches, Wii, t.v., every form of glowing light was being used to the utmost.  I began to sense a disintegration of family life, but everything they were doing was educational in one way or another, so I kept telling myself that it wasn't a complete wash.  Besides, it was probably the only time in the day when three to five people weren't calling for my attention at the same time, so maybe I was a little guilty in allowing it so that I could get some things done uninterrupted.  (Uninterrupted?  Did I just consciously verbalize that I was viewing my children as an interruption to MY day and MY plans?  Hmmm, perhaps there is more than one blog post message hidden here.)
  One afternoon last week, as I walked through the house during the "screen bonanza", I couldn't believe how many toys and games were sitting unused in our little home.  I tried to remember the last creative play time the girls had worked together to build some fantasy world or game.  A few weeks at least, or perhaps a month...it was hard to tell, but it was enough time to call a family conference.
  Five bodies on the couch stared up at their pacing mother as I tried to articulate a new plan, and communicate the nearby danger of our family becoming high functioning roommates who don't really build community together.  "All this time that we spend in front of screens is self directed, and isolating.  It takes away our chance to do something as a team.  We need projects! We need to work together toward a common goal.  You can also be pouring some time into skills that you can use later in life.  I like to see you cooking in the kitchen, making dolls clothes, knitting, working on fitness goals...SOMETHING!"  So they brainstormed, and I think there was some true excitement involved as well.  It was also an interesting look in to the passions and interests of our girls that I might not have noticed before then.
  Well, God has a way of providing the very thing we need most when we ask Him for wisdom and guidance.  Not even two days past that conversation did the girls find a turtle in the back yard.  Pleading eyes told me that they wanted to keep him. I'm not one to punish wild things by making them captives of little hands, but this turtle was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  "Yes, you can keep it.  But, you must look up all about turtles. I want to know what kind of turtle this is, what it eats, what it needs in a terrarium, what gender it is, how long it lives...everything you can find."  Oh, they were busy learning and reporting and the poor turtle was prodded and examined, but I am happy to say that she has survived, and now sits in a tank in the playroom.
  Then the next project/purpose presented itself.  We were invited to help a nearby family raise the money they needed to adopt a young girl from the Ukraine. Yuliya's story struck home with our girls.  Here was a girl of 15 who had one month left in the system before she would be turned out on the streets.  Without family or friends, Yuliya would likely end up like a majority of orphans in the Ukraine...crime or prostitution.  When our girls heard this they began brainstorming ways to raise money. Two of the girls decided they wanted to make and sell cookies. They came to me with a recipe and asked if I would purchase the ingredients needed to make them.  We got right to work and made 54 iced sugar cookies and sent them to school with Ryan.  His students were so excited, they wanted more, so I went back to the store and got more ingredients. This time the girls worked into the night to make 72 more cookies.  The students responded with even more excitement. (One pair of brothers brought in $33 for one cookie!)  Ryan's classes began talking about making posters around the school and getting a club to sponsor in helping bring Yulyia home.  It was thrilling for the girls to get the text today that all the cookies had sold before the last class of he day!
  It has been a joy to work together to help others, and that creativity is spilling into other areas...board games have come out everyday, some of which I forgot we owned.  There was a rousing game of Blind Man's Bluff  tonight before bed.  And the girls have taken to filming their own movie of "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe"...that will be a project loaded with family memories for years to come, and full of laughter for all of us now, too.  It's amazing what a little purpose can do for a life, a family, and a community!

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

  Our four year old has become consumed with Mother Goose Rhymes recently.  She loves the melodious sounds of the words and the ridiculous stories they tell. Often after a few minutes of reading we are both in a fit of giggles about some silly picture or rhyme in her book.  But, I always hold a secret smile whenever we read the one about what little girls are made of.  We have quite a few "little girls" and most of the time they are full of everything nice, but occasionally they fall prey to a feminine pitfall that many never grow out of.  It seems that many little girls struggle with emotional manipulation, hissy fits, or as I like to call it "being a slave to her emotions".
  Little girls are generally cute, and there is a special elation that comes from seeing them react excitedly to a new situation or gift, but it is equally repelling to see one scowl and pout and stomp her feet, or even scream when things don't go her way.  I have seen parents laugh at the little terror knowing that her size is all that keeps her from being a real threat to anyone, other than an annoyance.  I have even seen parents jump and try to fix whatever the problem may be in order to make their princess smile again. (Which only encourages her to try that tactic again next time.) But little girls who don't learn to be masters of their emotions while they are young, grow up to be wives who emotionally manipulate and throw fits to get their way. 
  Some of our girls have been more outward about this issue than the others, but whether they use silence or noise to get what they want, we have talked with them all about being the masters of their emotions or face the alternative...being slaves to them.  When our little darlings would throw a fit, we would quickly discipline the situation, and then have them practice the proper way to communicate their frustration.  It's important to recognize emotions but learning to properly communicate them is crucial to healthy relationships.
   What we practice is what we become.  Let a little girl practice emotional manipulation, and she will be an expert in the art by the time she reaches puberty.  Guide her to master her feelings and do the right thing, regardless of how she feels, and she will be more likely to grow into a self-disciplined adult.  Help her to practice communicating her feelings in a reasonable fashion and you will be giving her building blocks to use in healthy relationships and a happy marriage down the road. 
   Truth be told, we are the examples our children watch the most in learning how to react and handle our emotions.  That hits a bit too close to home for me at times.  I pray that God will help me to be the kind of mother who is gracious in hardship, kind when provoked, quick to forgive and quiet of heart. 

God Doesn't Save "Good" People

  Somewhere on the path of my life, I grew up with the ever-so-popular idea that good people go to Heaven, and bad people go to Hell.  You can imagine my shock around the age of seventeen when I encountered scriptures in the Bible that read:  (Rom 3:10)  "As it is written: "THERE IS NONE RIGHTEOUS, NO, NOT ONE;" and  (Rom 3:23)..." for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,".  Just hold on!  You mean that no one is "good" in the sight of God?   Everyone is bad?  Even people who dedicate their whole lives to serving others, like Mother Theresa?   But surely their goodness outweighs their bad-ness, right?  I don't know about you, but I had a little "moral scales" in my head, and up until really understanding the above scriptures, I had simply assumed that God, like me, (and well, almost everyone I could think of), was just weighing all our actions. And if we tipped over to the good side when we died, we got the golden ticket into the everlasting cool place.
   Apparently, that is not how God set things up, at least according to the Bible.  I had to be honest with myself.  I fit into the "no, not one" and "all have sinned" category.  In fact, I was all too aware of my shortcomings, my faults, my blatant disregard for the commandments of God.  I could feel myself slipping down a steep incline, and I began to feel the panic of one who cannot save herself.  I began to read the Bible in search of answers, in search of hope.
  As you read the Gospels, you cannot help but examine Jesus' behavior with the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the scum of society, and contrast it with how He interacts with the religious leaders, and those who had a high, respected standing in the community.  With the sinners, He is gentle as He teaches them about salvation and repentance, but with the religious leaders He is harsh, calling them to examine themselves more closely.  What is it that Jesus is seeing in the two groups?  What is it that He values most?  It is not how high they were born, or their education, or even religious knowledge.  He didn't see one group as good and the other as bad, for as we have seen above, He knows that they are all "bad", all sinners.  No, after careful examination, the difference between the two groups is a repentant/broken heart, and a self-righteous prideful heart.  
  As parents, we know that our young child has broken our command, yet what makes it worse is when she tries to cover it up and act innocent, when you both know she is guilty.  You cannot begin to train her until she admits her own need for correction.  When she acknowledges you as parent, as authority.
  It is the same between us and God.  Psa 34:18 says. "The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit."  Ah, here we find the beginnings of hope for all of us in the "no, not one" category.  God said that even the breaking of one of  His commandments, no matter how small must be paid for in blood, more specifically with death.  Rom 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."  So the penalty must be paid.  And if we are all guilty, then we all have a debt owed.
  Then the beauty of the whole thing comes to life.  What if someone, completely righteous....well, but no...no one is righteous....except for God Himself!  What if God Himself, came to Earth as man, lived a sinless life, and then willingly laid down His life as the penalty for my (our) sin?  Then the eternal life mentioned in Romans 6:23 above, would truly be a gift from God, not something I could earn with my "moral scales" idea.  He would, in effect, be offering me His righteousness as a gift to cover over and justify my own sins. 
  But wouldn't I have to admit I was wrong, to get to the place of accepting this gift?  I mean, only those who realize they are sick, seek a cure, right?  Those who think they are already such good people, might secretly think they are impressing God with all their goodness, much like the religious leaders of long ago.  God, like the parent of the unruly child donning an innocent face, wants the heart, and not some outward facade of holiness.
  So I had to reach the place of brokenness and need before I would seek the hope handed me through the gift of Jesus. He was gentle in leading me to this place of hope, and He showed me how to accept the gift: Rom 10:9  ..."that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."
  I would like to encourage you to stop viewing people as good or bad, and to see us all as sinners in need of redemption.  Those who have found redemption are simply like the beggar hoping to show other beggars where the food is located.
I know I have breached the politics and religion faux pas of topical conversation, but how could I love you and not share the Truth.

Spoonfed Education

  Ever wonder why our public education system in America has been on a steady decline since the 60's?  What is it that seems to undermine every new idea and innovative policy passed down from Congress to stimulate the scores of our students?  Well, there are several cracks in the foundation of our public education system, but it is my opinion that nothing will change until we take strides to transform our views about who is responsible to educate our future generations.  No, I am NOT going to make a plug for homeschooling...this time.  But, until we can pass the responsibility to learn from the teachers to the students, we will not see much in the way of educational reform.
  I have watched the past ten years as the government passed down frantic new programs in hopes of stimulating learning through teacher incentives and consequences.  Perhaps I missed it, but I haven't seen any successful progress.  Instead, I see a bunch of pressured teachers who are so frightened of losing their jobs in this market that they are willing to lose their character and cheat on the scores for their students' standardized testing, like we have seen in our Atlanta city schools.
  Until we make it clear that the responsibility to learn lies with the student and not the teacher, we will not see things change in our education system.  We do a great disservice to our future generations by allowing them to think they did poorly in a subject because they had a lousy teacher. No doubt, a good teacher goes a long way to making learning fun and exciting, and even easy, but learning is not solely in the hands of those who teach. If a student believes she is in charge of her own education, then she in empowered to rise above the less-than-average teacher.  She will seek outside help and information.  She will become what our society sorely needs and almost always heralds, in the adult phase of life.  She will become an INDEPENDENT LEARNER, a SELF-STARTER.
  I'll never forget what a shock it was for me to go to England during my high school years. I was there for about two years, starting in the middle of my Freshmen year.   Education is run differently in the U.K. than in the States. I had just come from Texas, where things were moving along just fine. I had straight A's my first semester. There was a rhythm to the six week sessions run in the Texas system. I had learned how to make that system work for me, but true learning and effort had not really been asked of me yet. No, that was not required of me until I left the States.
  In England, I had entered in a trimester late in a two year learning situation. In those two years we kept the same teachers, classes, and subjects. At the end of the two years, we were to take written exams, two of them per course, and some exams lasting three to four hours in length.  Right before the exams, we were given some time...I can hardly remember now, but I think it was six weeks, without classes to simply study for the exams...no teachers, just study time. Whatever we got on our exams, plus a portion of our yearly work would be our grades for the past two years.  I was handed a syllabus at the beginning of class and I was expected to remember when things were due, without reminders. (Quite shocking for me, I can tell you.)  I had to keep track of when our mock exams were coming, and I had to learn on my own, beyond the material handed to me, if I was going to pass and get credit for two years worth of learning.  I had to get books, on my own, that would help me prepare for the exams. I had to organize my time, and hold down a part-time job at the same time.   I say all this to show that we do not require enough from our students at an early enough age. It is not the teachers who gave me an education, although they guided me and helped me along the way, but ultimately they communicated that I was the responsible party to educate myself and prepare for my future independence.
  Now, in this country, we do not ask that level commitment from our students until college.  Perhaps we think they are too immature to take on that responsibility.  But, often times, we create unprepared students who cannot handle the university situation.  What do we create for our society when we allow students to believe that the teachers are responsible for our learning?  What does a parent do for her child when she puts the blame on the teacher for her child's poor grades? (Certainly there are circumstances where a teacher was unfair, or graded with partiality, but even that teacher cannot prevent a child who is self-motivated from learning in spite of her grade.)  We produce a generation who believes they are owed something. That their performance is in the hands of someone else.  Later on if they don't perform well at work, well it transfers that they have a lousy boss, and the blame can be passed to him.
   But we can do something for our next generation, despite the newest congressional push for reform in testing. We as parents and adults can encourage and show the way to our students. We can give our kids the tools to rise above their circumstances and take control of their education. Getting involved early-on can make all the difference. Don't let the school day be the end of learning. Find supplemental materials to play with and experiment with at home. Without a love and interest for learning, you will always be applying outside pressure to get a result, but when the student becomes infected with the love of learning, you won't be able to stop her.  Go to museums, watch interesting educational shows...but most importantly, find out what interests your child and run with it. 
  Recently I sat down with my 7th grader and 5th grader, and I asked them to make a list of things they are interested in learning more about.  The 7th grader's list was: "Drawing, Modern History, Animals and Bugs, Computer Programming, Legends of Varying Cultures, and Herbs.  The 10 yr old's list was: "Ballet, How to Make a Computer, Computer Programing, The Way Stuff is Made, Books, Animals, and Research."  America's kids want to learn more than movies, and video games, and pop music....if we let them.
  My 7th grader loves the idea of survival living.  She loves to research and find out what plants are edible, and she experiments with it.  She has asked for an herbalist class/book/dvd set to help her in her study of Botany (call it what it is, and suddenly it is more than a kid just getting grubby in the mud).  My 5th grader  is fascinated with computers.  I found a free program from M.I.T. that helps kids get the basic ideas down for computer programming. She, and her "botany" sister, have begun to invent and create their own video games, complete with original graphics and story line.  Our children's play is their business, and their learning is never ceasing unless we tell them that they can only learn when being spoonfed. 

Coming Out of a Fog

  My husband and I just celebrated our thirteenth anniversary.  While we were driving away to our hotel, we began to discuss all that has past so far.  We realized that in that time I have been extremely busy laying the foundation for our five daughters.  Many a day, week, or even month would pass without me truly digging into the Word of God in my quiet time.  Sure I would listen to sermons, or read a quick devotional, or simply repeat one or two Bible verses in my head to keep me going, but I had become lax in studying and being still before God. I would go from morning to night attending to the needs of the many little ones in my care.  Prayer while working, became my new mode of communication with God...or a least a last minute plea to restrain me from letting my flesh take control in a frustrating moment of training our daughters.  How easy it is to heap guilt upon your heart when you let a discipline slide, much less a spiritual discipline. But in those "survival mode" years, I learned to lay my guilt at the feet of the Lord, and to bask in His grace that is constant, regardless of my performance.
  We have truly been blessed to have the written Word of God at our fingertips, but for thousands of years those who walked with God did so without that luxury. Many a faithful follower today sit imprisoned for their faith, with no Bible to comfort them.  It is possible to carry on a truthful and full relationship with God without daily Bible readings.  Like I mentioned before, daily Bible study is a spiritual discipline, and not the actual relationship with God in and of itself.  But the lack of consistently studying the Word takes its toll over time.  It leaves us more subject to being lured by the world's thinking, or more easily led astray by false teaching.  For myself, I become weak to resisting the call to gauge my life by my possessions or achievements.  I become weak to the idea that I need "me" time...and eventually I try to pick up my life as my own, instead of  living as one who has been bought at a price and who belongs to Another.
  This summer has been like a lifting of the spiritual fog I have felt for the past couple of years.  This is the second year that we have participated in the National Bible Bee  as a family.  What an incredible opportunity to memorize the Scriptures, and to teach your children how to study the Bible.  In addition to the many Bible verses each age group memorizes, the families all study the same book of the Bible.  This summer we are studying through the book of 1 Peter.  They teach you how to do an inductive Bible study, reading over the whole book several times and studying the history, geography and author before taking a closer look, chapter by chapter and verse by verse (and looking up the original Greek in Strongs Concordance).  So for those looking to teach their children in the spiritual disciplines of Bible study, prayer (they go through the whole A.C.T.S prayer model), and scripture memory, along with great ideas and prompts for applying the Word of God in your life and in your child's life, I can't recommend this summer challenge enough!  It has been so helpful to have this program to help pass along the skills and disciplines I learned in college, and at the appropriate age level, too.
  As my children mature, I am finding the time to sit still is returning to my life. The time to think, pause, pray and study is slowly creeping back into the daily schedule of things.  I can see the foundation we have been laying with the girls is paying off for them, and us, as I work myself out of a job, with each girl growing in her ability to help around the house and to help with her younger sisters.  I am thankful for those "survival mode" years, and I am glad that God is gracious. 

The following passage of scripture describes the fog, and lifting of it in my heart:

Psa 119:25-50 
"My soul clings to the dust; Revive me according to Your word.
 I have declared my ways, and You answered me; Teach me Your statutes.
 Make me understand the way of Your precepts; So shall I meditate on Your wonderful works.
 My soul melts from heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your word.
 Remove from me the way of lying, And grant me Your law graciously.
 I have chosen the way of truth; Your judgments I have laid before me.
 I cling to Your testimonies; O LORD, do not put me to shame!
 I will run the course of Your commandments, For You shall enlarge my heart.
 Teach me, O LORD, the way of Your statutes, And I shall keep it to the end.
 Give me understanding, and I shall keep Your law; Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart.
 Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, For I delight in it.
 Incline my heart to Your testimonies, And not to covetousness.
 Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, And revive me in Your way.
 Establish Your word to Your servant, Who is devoted to fearing You.
 Turn away my reproach which I dread, For Your judgments are good.
 Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me in Your righteousness.
 Let Your mercies come also to me, O LORD— Your salvation according to Your word.
 So shall I have an answer for him who reproaches me, For I trust in Your word.
 And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth, For I have hoped in Your ordinances.
 So shall I keep Your law continually, Forever and ever.
And I will walk at liberty, For I seek Your precepts.
 I will speak of Your testimonies also before kings, And will not be ashamed.
 And I will delight myself in Your commandments, Which I love.
 My hands also I will lift up to Your commandments, Which I love, And I will meditate on Your statutes.
 Remember the word to Your servant, Upon which You have caused me to hope.
 This is my comfort in my affliction, For Your word has given me life."

 

The Invisible Law

   Excuse me for  moment while I adjust my soap box.  You see, just the other week we received a phone call from our church stating that the signs for our Kindemusik business were being collected and thrown into the back of a county truck only to be hauled off to the dump.  We were a tad confused because my husband had called the county and asked if a permit was needed and what laws and rules there were in posting a sign on the property where we conducted our business.  We were given the go ahead, and for months our signs had stood and directed folks our way...until two weeks ago.  What changed?  Apparently the law changed, and ours were not the only signs picked up by the authorities. Many other small businesses were set back by this change in policy.  Was a notice given to the business owners?  We received none, and this with our phone number  ON THE SIGN.  How difficult would it be to call the owner and tell them that they had 24 hours to comply with the change in the law?
  My husband was less than thrilled, to put it mildly.  We are not a large business, and I am sure that you are all aware of our sluggish economy.  It doesn't seem logical to set back small businesses in a time when people are going the extra mile to make a go of it.  After taking careful precaution to comply to all the laws regarding a business and advertising, it was particularly upsetting to find that we had trespassed a law we didn't know existed.  Even less so when my husband had to go down to the office and acquire papers allowing him to go down to the dump and retrieve his own signs...and could only find one of the two. 
  I hope you are all burning with the righteous indignation that comes from one who desires to do the right thing but is unable to do so because the rules secretly changed.  But don't we, as parents, sometimes do this to our children?  Imagine the frustration of a toddler when she finds that she has crossed an unknown line while out in public.  How helpful it would have been to take a minute before going into the store to clearly explain your expectations for her behavior!  (ie, do not whine for me to buy you something, do not touch things in the store, do not stand in the cart, etc.) Perhaps then she would have known how to behave instead of finding it out by default.  Perhaps a minute of pause before entering the birthday party to explain the proper social etiquette to your child would prevent the embarrassing situation of her unknowingly stealing the spotlight from the birthday girl.  We have been known to practice how one behaves at a birthday party, both as the birthday girl and as the guest.  It is a lovely thing when you see your child look up with confidence to thank the giver for the present they are opening.
   Even teenagers need to have the expected behavior laid out plainly and simply for them.  Nothing is more frustrating than to find that you have disappointed a parent by behaving in an embarrassing manner, only to be called selfish and self-centered later.  Even the most willing of teens will begin to withdraw if this pattern repeats itself enough times.  They certainly will not proceed with the confidence that their parents are proud of them and support their efforts in learning to be responsible and productive young adults.

  So in some ways, this little upset in our business life has given us pause to remember the importance of clearly communicating our expectations to our children.  How's that for a silver lining? 

Protecting the Foundation

    Up at the crack of dawn, exercise, make breakfast, pack lunch for hubby, kiss hubby goodbye, clean sticky hands, ignore dust build-up, email, schedule, oversee and teach four grades worth of school, attack mountain of laundry without making a dent, intervene before older sister kills younger one for singing the same three phrases of a song for the 30th time, make lunch, and plan for dinner, clip coupons, tuck 4yro into bed for nap....you get the picture.  Our days as mothers are full of serving and caring for those who seem unable to function without our help.  It's easy to think that every need is immediate and of extreme importance...perhaps the tone of desperation with which we hear our name being called on so frequent a basis makes it more difficult for us to truly assess the real level of need. Sometimes we just want the noise and chaos to stop, and so we will do whatever it takes to make the peace return to the universe of our home.  By the end of the day, we are DONE, emotionally and physically exhausted, and yet, there is someone else who needs us.  Someone who looks vaguely familiar, in fact you can almost remember how the two of you started on this journey together, so energetic and excited.
   With all its challenges and demands it has still been everything you hoped for and envisioned.  The two of you knew that this raising of a family would be hard work, and would require a dying to self...although HOW much dying was not even possible for you to imagine at the time.  Perhaps you start and end your day with no more than a few minutes of conversation...sometimes it even happens when you are BOTH at home all day.  So busy with the children and their training, it is a simple thing to put the needs of the other capable-adult-in-the-home on the back-burner.  A heavy strain may begin to burden the relationship that was once so free and easy. 
  May I suggest that we all take a little time to build a protective wall around the foundation of the family, our marriages.  Even more than your time with them, your children need to know that their world is secure because the relationship between Mom and Dad is strong.  When we remind our children that our spouse comes first in our heart and actions, they have a sense of peace that gives them confidence in all that they attempt and explore. 
  So how do we practically build that protective foundation?  One of the ways that we are trying to build that protective barrier is by teaching the children not to interrupt.  I think there is a built in homing device that goes off inside children when they see their mother giving her full attention to someone else.  They come to you with every little thing, and having not yet developed a sense of timing or awareness of others they start talking to you before they even enter the room.  A little training to stop and wait, or the simple, "Papa is talking to Mama right now" should be the taught sign for them to put a cork in it and give you a minute to concentrate on your husband.  He needs to know that you care about what he is saying, and not all men are able to get their thoughts into words easily...for some it may be this moment, or never.  If he feels like you are too divided to listen to him, you may not get another opportunity to share that thought again. So don't be afraid to train your children in waiting, and also in understanding the TRUE definition of "it's an EMERGENCY!"...this should be used if someone is bleeding, losing a limb, or someone is in extreme danger.
  Another way to help in this area is to have a bedtime that is fairly firm.  The older children can go to their rooms for quiet reading/playing before lights-out.  But at the end of the day, it is such a joy to have a few minutes of quiet, to unwind, and have some needed conversations with your spouse.  The occasional late night with the kids to watch a movie or play a game is so fun, but on average, I have found that I need that time to be off duty long enough to catch my thoughts and have a few minutes to talk with my man.
  Romance is a demanding plant, it requires time and thoughtful creativity to keep it fresh and inviting.  Regular date nights, even if they are at home, can be a great way to keep the fire kindled.  Become a full time student of your man, his favorite treats, relaxing activities, coffee preference, etc.  Don't fool yourself into thinking that you have discovered all there is to know about him.  Find a new game to learn how to play together...cards, computer...whatever.  Recently, Ryan and I played Words with Friends on our iphones, which meant that we could play the game throughout the workday, or even in the same room...silly, but fun.  And, no matter how tired you are...try to save some energy for late night fun together. ;)
  I would love to hear some of the ways you work to put your marriage first while raising kids...we can all use some tips in this area.
  

Move Over Bacon...

  So I realize that any family with kids goes through a certain amount of transition when school ends and summer starts.  There is an awkward sense of freedom, accompanied by a weak sense of structure that will sustain a family for a couple of days before the "I'm Bored" mantra begins.  Our family goes through a degree of this in the first week of summer vacation, but it is not that transition that rocks my world.  Oh no, there is another one that happens only in families where there is a parent who is a teacher.
  You see summer for our family means wonderful freedom and fun for the kids, and also the excitement of having my wonderful husband around for two months.  This is something we all look forward to the whole year round, and when it comes it is such a blessing, except for one little hiccup.  You see for 10 months out the year, I am the master of the home during the day, and run things according to my style and pleasure, but come summer, there is a sudden switch of master in the day-time routine.  It is a good thing, and I am definitely one to step out of the way, but it sometimes catches me off guard.
 For example, I may have planned how I thought the day would run, only to come out of our room to find my husband re-organizing the homeschool bookshelf.  I wasn't mentally prepared for that task, and now must clear my mind to help him in the newly scheduled day.  It is not a bad thing, just not the thing I planned to do with that moment.  I can chose to fight it, but what good would that do?  In the end, I know I am called to be my husband's help-meet, and therefore would really be picking a fight with God because I didn't get my own way, even if it was about something that I didn't value in the first place.  Were my plans for the day SO dear to me? Not truly, but the fact that they were mine and under my control ...well that part may have been a little too dear to admit at the time.  It may not show itself outwardly, but there is an inward struggle as I learn to follow a new flow for the next two months. 
  Unfortunately, I tend to have this same trouble with God year round.  How often do I make plans for my life, as if it were mine to plan?  Gal 2:20 reminds me that I am no longer my own, but have been bought at a price.  So who is bending to whom here?  It is not for me to demand of God how I would like my life to turn out: what kind of home I would like, what kind of children I would want, or how many children I would want, or ...well you get the idea.
  I need to learn to clear my schedule for the day (figuratively speaking) and be prepared for the distractions and interruptions, as we would see them, that God may have planned for me to attend to.  Perhaps it is the putting aside of my ever-so-important tasks, to attend to the heart of my child.  The one who is hovering behind me, waiting to tell me her thoughts and struggles. Lord, make me aware to your schedule so I do not miss the narrow window of a view into my child's spirit.  If she sees that I am ever-so-busy, those open-heart opportunities will grow fewer and fewer until we sit at a table in a restaurant during her college years with nothing to talk about.
  So I am transitioning with my home and with my heart.  I can go down gracefully, and show an honoring example to my daughters, who are quick to imitate, or I can go down kicking and screaming.  That choice is still mine, and I pray for the wisdom to chose the former.

When Your Child Should Disobey The Authority

  Okay...they are beautiful aren't they?  Among the most often heard comments when people see us out in public are:  "Still trying for a boy?", "Are ALL five yours?", and my personal favorite, "You DO know how that happens, don't you?"  You have to laugh at that kind of ignorant, closed-minded view...if only to keep yourself  from punching a total stranger in the face. 
   We feel so blessed to have such lovely daughters, both inside and out.  We hope to train them for life and godliness, by teaching them to be loving, responsible adults.  From early on we teach them to obey the first command with a cheerful heart, but we also have to teach them when NOT to obey.  It is a sad truth that in our world we have to teach our children, girls and boys, to resist an adult who would abuse their bodies sexually.  I hate this topic, but I think it is one we must mention in our talks about parenting.
   Statistics are cold truths, so I won't post any.  A more meaningful truth is that almost all of you who read this blog will either have experienced this kind of abuse first hand, or know someone who did.  It is a difficult thing for a child who is taught to trust authority, is then abused by it. The emotional and physical damage is great.
    From an early age we teach our children about their private parts and who may touch them, and for what reason: a doctor who is caring for their health, or a parent who is helping to clean them until they can care for themselves responsibly.   If any other authority such as a pastor, teacher, relative, etc. should approach them and touch them, they are told to yell and run.  Details are not needed to equip our children to deal with the world's ugliness.  I hope and pray that none of  these ladies have to experience this kind of evil, but I want them to know that this situation is one where it is needful to disobey an authority.
  My oldest and I had to have an even harder talk recently, prompted by a near abduction of a homeschool girl in our area.  The girl was out playing in her yard, and a man jumped out of a white van and quickly approached her.  The girl ran quickly into the house.  The man, thinking that she was home alone, came to the front door and banged on it loudly.  He retreated quickly when the mother came to the door, making some thin excuse and jumping into the van.  So, I had to explain about the dark truth of human trafficking and young girls of 12 or 13 being prime targets. We talked about running from strangers who might ask her to help them find a "lost puppy" or some other excuse to prey upon the tender feelings of a young girl in order to make her come with them.  We talked about screaming, "This is NOT my parent, call 911!", etc.  We can not protect her from every evil, but we certainly do her no favors by keeping her unprepared and ignorant.
  It is a hard world, and it seems to be getting harder every year.  We do not need to live in fear, but we do need to be equipped, prepared and wise.  I hope that you will make time to have the hard discussions, even young ones can be equipped without terrorizing them.  Tailor the talk to the age of your child. Please, don't think it could never happen to your child, you do them a great disservice by not being aware, and not making them aware.

Good Mom, Bad Mom

  Recently I heard that certain government boards were throwing around the idea of paying teachers according to their student's performance.  Seriously?  I wonder if  we applied that approach to the health profession if we could solve all our health care problems. If the doctor makes you well, then he gets paid.   Surely, there are certain professions where your performance gauges your pay, but it is usually related to your performance and not that of another.  Even an excellent teacher will get students who are determined not to learn.  Should their pay really be in the hand of hormonal adolescents?   The thought is ridiculous, and I hope that those in the world of politics will see how obviously wrong that idea is when played out in the classroom.
   Yet, how often do we gauge our performance by our children's behavior,  especially in public?  None of my children came ready-made examples of politeness and thoughtfulness.  I'm imagining that few of yours did either.  But here we are, after just a few attempts of teaching them how to act, feeling devastated as a mother when they act rudely, or when they fight with their sibling. (Not to mention how destructivie it is to compare ourselves with mothers whose children are farther along in their training than ours.)
  A mother recently told me how she felt like a bad mom because her children were fighting.  I hope you hear me when I say that your worth as a mother does not hinge on how your children behave at a given moment, but rather on how you react to their behavior.  Did you catch that?  Your child acting poorly does not mean you are a bad mother, but your response to her behavior is the guide to your performance.  Any time we wrap our self-worth into the performance of others, we are setting ourselves up for failure.  Your consistency and creativity in delivering the consequences for her actions is the true test of your mothering.  If your children are like mine, or like we were as children, then they will test those boundaries, and forget how to act, and let their emotions control their responses.  They are people in training, not performing monkeys to dazzle all your friends and relations. 
  To be consistent, and observant, kind, but firm, are the marks of a good parent.  And just like our children, we need the grace of God to fulfill our role daily.  It is exhausting, exhilarating, demanding, and rewarding...and completely unattainable without the proper perspective.

Purging the Home, and the Heart

  The birthday trifecta is about to descend on the Zwemke family.  Every year I determine to get a head start on the festivities so that I won't consider checking myself into a mental institution after the dust clears.  It is a wonderful thing to celebrate birthdays and we have four of them in our family within three weeks, plus our anniversary right on the heels of the last birthday.  So in efforts to get ahead of the game, I began ordering all the birthday presents in one lump sum last night. 
  I don't know how you handle things in your home, but whenever I start thinking of adding all the new toys and gifts into the home inventory, I immediately think of things we must get rid of in order to make space for the coming bounty.  Many things I know would not be missed, but some things, although unused, would cause some tears if removed permanently.   I believe it is important to teach our children to be good stewards of the things they own, and to practice respecting the rights of others' ownership.  So I don't want to force them to give up their toys, but I do want to teach them to hold all they own with an open hand, ready for God to take and receive as He sees fit. 
  Many a discussion has come about in these purging times (we do it before Christmas, too), and I'm happy to report that the show "Hoarders"  has helped us in our case for giving up the little trinkets and such things that little girls love to cling to...petals from a flower picked last summer, stones from the driveway, little pine cones kept because...well because they are cute...and the like.  Not to mention the toys that have been loved and need to move on because they are no longer used, or the toys that were never really loved after being opened at a previous festivity.  How can we make way to receive the new, if we are not prepared to let go of the old?
  The memories attached to an object can keep us too grounded in the past.  It is too easy to think you need the object to keep your memory special.  There are ways to help preserve a special moment without keeping yourself fettered from living in the present.  So many sweet pictures drawn by little hands would fill a library, but perhaps our digital world can lend a hand.  Taking pictures of the special scraps of paper and turning them into a compact picture book could help keep the clutter down, and remind the little ones that you love their offerings. But, our children need to learn to give generously, and to live freely in this materialistic world, and they will not be able to love people and like things if they are holding their possessions in too tight of a grasp.
  Children aren't the only ones that hold tightly to their things.  Parents, too, need to hold their possessions lightly, ready to let go when asked by the Master, for our children will see and learn from our example. But my mind began to ponder this purging to things less material.  Do we not sometimes hold a past offense of a family member or friend a little too tightly?  Sometimes we allow the pain of things gone by to cripple us from receiving the freedom of the life God offers now.  We build a little fortress of self-righteousness and we think that the other needs to pay penance before we will let go of the offense.  We seldom realize that the only one fettered by our un-forgiveness is ourselves.  Lonely in our grief, we linger too long over the pain and it begins to turn to a caustic substance called bitterness.  There is no room in a heart full of bitterness to receive the new gifts God wants to give.  We can not see where we are going if we are constantly scrutinizing where we have been.  Forgiveness purges the heart, freeing us to make room for what God offers next.
  So today, I have been examining my home and my heart, and the purging of both,  keeping me free from the ties that bind. 

Leaving a Barrier

  Spring is the busiest season in our home.  It's filled with testing and field trips, and multiple concerts for band and chorus.  By the time Spring Break rolls around, I am more than ready to find a quiet place to curl up with a cup of tea and a book.  But there have been several weeks recently where I found that life was hurtling at such a monstrous pace, that I couldn't give an honest answer to my husband when he asked me how I was doing.  I honestly didn't know.  I hadn't been still long enough to have any clue as to HOW I was doing.
   This strange occurrence has been happening more frequently than I would care to admit.  So I began to take stock of our life, and tried to find a few things we could cut out in order to leave the much needed barrier for quiet and reflection.  I don't know about you, but I desperately need that barrier, or buffer, of time to allow space for evaluation. Space to know how those in my care are faring, including myself.  As the main nurturer of the family, it is my job to have my finger on the family's pulse.  And what I was feeling and seeing wasn't good.
  Too many responsibilities, expectations taken on from those around us, and too many activities, makes for a group of harried roommates, but doesn't build the foundation of a family team.  Ryan and I have had a call and vision for a family team since day one, and we would be fools to think that we need to take on more during this time of our lives if it caused us to sacrifice that dream.  Even ministry and church activities can put a strain on a family team, especially during the young, foundation-laying-years of raising elementary and pre-school aged children.  Just because an activity is a good thing, doesn't mean that it needs to be in your life. There are more good opportunities out there than can possibly be incorporated into a family's life, one must be careful in her choices.
  This is one of the reasons our girls do not participate in group sports. Don't get me wrong, we have nothing against them, but we have seen how disconnected our lives would be as a family if we were always separating to follow each child's practice and game schedule.  So when the girls have lessons we work hard to find something they are all interested in doing, and then pray for the opportunity to find those lessons so that they happen all at one time. It has taken patience, and creativity, but the Lord has always provided a way.
  This time around, I had to take a break from blogging, and talking on the phone with friends, or even watching t.v., until the whirlwind settled.  I also had to turn down a couple of leadership roles for our homeschool group next year.  Knowing that the youngest child will be joining the ranks of the homeschooled in our family, means that I will be homeschooling all five little ladies in our home, and there will be even less time for me to know how I am doing.  So leadership roles and other roles of ministry will have to take a back seat until my family matures and is more able to stand on their own firm foundation. Then I may be free enough with my time to take on more outside opportunities to share.   If I concentrate on how God wants me to walk during this stage of my life, perhaps He will give me the honor of teaching the younger ladies in the way they should go.  But, for now, I would only be the blind leading the blind.
  There is a scripture verse that God has been making a theme in my life:

Psa 16:6  "The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance."

These "lines" are my boundaries, and life is full of them. We can kick at them and push them, but the ones that God places in our lives are for our benefit and rest.   I want to remember to leave room for them, for they are a barrier of protection for us as a family, and as followers of Christ.

Stop and Breathe

  It's been a busy week in the Zwemke home.  Planning for a birthday party, planning and practicing music for the Resurrection Sunday service, and of course planning and preparing food for all these events as well.  My eyes are blurry from all the frantic commotion.  I have been deep in task mode for more than 48 hours, and my heart feels the weight of it.
  This evening, the evidence of a successful party is scattered all throughout the house, and the music for tomorrow is floating in the air.  I had a cup of tea, and sang my songs, and now I am realizing that I have hardly taken more than 5 minutes to think and meditate on the glorious work Christ has done by paying the penalty of my great sin, and how He arose and sits victorious at the right hand of God, awaiting His perfect timing to return and claim His own.
   Our tradition this time of year is to build a tomb of sorts, and place a doll, or something signifying Jesus, wrapped in a cloth inside, and then roll a "stone" in front of the tomb.  In the morning, before going to the Resurrection Sunday service, we enact the women arriving at the tomb to find the stone rolled away and the tomb empty.  We usually leave some Easter baskets with gifts for the girls inside the tomb, where there is a sign reading "He is Risen!"  It's a wonderful tradition, and the girls truly look forward to it, but in all my busy-ness, I forgot to get presents...and there was no energy left to think about the tomb.  I sat on the couch, begging the girls to let it go this year. 
  It is at moments like these that I am reminded that Mom doesn't have to do it all alone.  Ryan and the girls busily worked to make a tomb, and by the judgment of the 8yro, "It's the best tomb, ever!"  Then, I had to admit that I didn't get them any presents...only to find moments later, the 12yro stealing the baskets from my closet for "a surprise." I am looking forward to what she will do, and my heart is touched by her generosity, and care.
  Grace...grace is what is needed in my heart tonight.  I am sad, that I have grown weary with all the work to make times special.  What I truly need is to stop, breathe, and meditate on the grace of Jesus, unbounded, and free.  Grace that is greater than all my sin.  I am thankful, that I have teammates, working with me to make memories for the younger ones.  I desire for God to strengthen me tonight, so that tomorrow I will not just check off the rest of my to-do list, but will have the eyes to see past it, to the eternal, lasting things of God.

Ogres and Faries and Trolls, Oh My!

   Roll up your sleeves and buckle your seat belt, we're going to embark on yet another controversial subject.  Should Christians read fantasy literature, and how do we allow our children to develop their imaginations without delving into the world of witchcraft: which the Bible clearly states, has no place in the life of a Christ follower?
   Let's start with some of the scriptures that define witchcraft and God's view of it.  The main passage  of interest is found in Deu 18:10-11  "There shall not be found among you anyone who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, or one who practices witchcraft, or a soothsayer, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, or one who conjures spells, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who calls up the dead. ".
And in the Hebrew law we find, Lev 20:27  'A man or a woman who is a medium, or who has familiar spirits, shall surely be put to death; they shall stone them with stones. Their blood shall be upon them.' "  Regardless of your feelings on the subject, it appears that God has stated His firmly.   His people are not to participate in any such activity.
  But then we come to fantasy literature....hmmm.  So much of it deals with magical lands, creatures, and the like.  Many parents have a healthy caution when it comes to what they allow their children to watch and read, and I would commend that feeling.  It is true that God has placed us in the position of protecting and guiding our young ones, which includes the guarding and training of their minds, spirits, hearts, bodies, and character.  Every family must be careful of what they choose to allow their children to view and read, and it will look different for each as they follow God's leading.  For us, being a homeschooling family, we place a great value on the power of literature to form the patterns of thought and learning in our children, and we happen to love fantasy literature. 
   We love the creative worlds and courageous adventures found in many of the stories we read. In C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia,  we find a beautiful allegory to the Gospel and the Christian's sanctification.  In the J.R.R. Tolkien's  The Lord of the Rings, we find friendship, loyalty, courage, and the weak and frail overcoming the strong and evil.  Some of these books have magic in them, and mythical creatures, such as elves, and fairies, etc.  Even in Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress we find giants and other such fantastic creatures.
  For us, the presence of magic or fantasy creatures is not the main criteria we use when deciding which stories to read.   It has more to do with how those items are presented.  For example, we do not choose to read fantasy literature that encourages the reader to find the magic within themselves, or to seek spiritual guides, or that present the magic in such a way as to suggest that it is available to those who would seek it in this world.  We feel that this type of presentation would trespass the above scriptures by encouraging its readers to seek after and participate in sorcery, etc.
  But if we were to rule out anything that mentions witchcraft or shows others participating in them, we would have to rule out the Bible itself.  Sunday School quiz time....Which King of Israel sought the advice of a medium?  That's right, the very first...Saul...found here:  1Sa 28:7  "Then Saul said to his servants, 'Find me a woman who is a medium, that I may go to her and inquire of her.' And his servants said to him, 'In fact, there is a woman who is a medium at En Dor'.''
 (Don't you just love the town's name "En Dor"? Sounds like it came straight out of a sci-fi book.)
And the end of his story is recorded for us...1Ch 10:13  "So Saul died for his unfaithfulness which he had committed against the LORD, because he did not keep the word of the LORD, and also because he consulted a medium for guidance."  This is not the only time these things are mentioned in the Bible, yet the Bible does not condone these activities, even though it records them.
  Fantasy literature is a removed world from our own, and in that setting one is sometimes more open to learning issues of character than in literature that relates so closely to our own experiences.  Richard Scarry, the famous children book author once noted that he chose to use talking animals as his main characters because he found that children could identify with the lessons to be learned more readily than when the characters were humans.  We have found that fantasy literature allows us to do the same with our children.
   So when you are deciding what to allow your children to read, ask yourself if this story encourages the reader to seek after witchcraft, or whether it mentions magic as some happenings in the story?  Is magic the main thrust of the story, or just one component of it?  Is there a deeper more valuable message to be found in the story, beyond the creatures and magic?  Are the creatures, such as fairies simply doing what they were created to do in their world?  Or is the author attempting to make you believe that such things are to be sought in this world?  There is a difference, and you will have to seek God in guiding you as to what would instill a love and reverence for Him in whatever you read, whether full of fantastical creatures or not.
  (On a side note, some have voiced uncertainty toward the Disney Fairies, etc.  I cannot tell you what you should do for your own family, but I will tell you what we have done in ours.  We have no problem with these fairies (although we wish some were more modestly dressed at times), as we see them doing the tasks that they were created to do in their world.  We don't mind our girls painting pictures of them, etc, but we do not allow them to think that these fairies truly exist or make our seasons change.  They belong in the category of pretend...and we have found many useful character lessons come out of the land of pretend to find root in our world quite nicely.)

The Picky Eater Strikes Again

 A difficult lesson was dealt to our three year old last night.  She decided she wasn't so fond of the dinner on her plate before her, so she chose to spend her time in a more palatable way, by making the rest of the family laugh.  Unfortunately for her, that choice landed her a prime seat at the table all by her lonesome once everyone had cleared away their dishes.  This might not have been so terrible a punishment had it not been for the puppet show her two older sisters were putting on for the family right after dinner.  The girls had really made it a first-class affair with posters around the house to advertise the evening's performance.  Not only that, but they were charging admission, and offering snacks during the intermissions (there were two).  Needless to say, there was a buzz of excitement among the other three siblings in anticipation for the evening's activity.
  But, not for the three year old.  Although warned several times that she would not be able to go to the show without finishing her food, she still stalled and, I suspect, secretly hoped she would be given a special grace to attend the show and THEN finish her food.  It was hard to see her fall into desperate tears as we watched all three sections of the show without her.  At each intermission we encouraged her to finish quickly so that she could come see the next act.  She would rally and tell us how she was going to finish, but wouldn't put that excitement into action and was truly crestfallen when she realized she missed the whole thing...and by just a few bites, too.
  Several times we had to explain to her that she had chosen her fate that night.  By refusing to eat in a timely manner, she alone was responsible for her choice to miss out on the puppet show.  Such a hard lesson, but one that we hope will stick with her and motivate her to action in the future.
  We have had a few picky eaters in the family, and have found that all our kids went through various stages of picky-ness at different ages.  The standard Zwemke policy is: "If you do not eat this food tonight, then you will see it again in the morning"...and so forth, until the child decides it is a good idea to eat the food. (a very few times this has lasted almost a 24 hour period...we do give them a glass of milk or so, but that's it...it's never gone past that.) Sometimes I heat the food up again, but if I am busy, I don't.
  We do recognize that people all have a few foods that they REALLY dislike.  Honestly, Ryan and I have a few things we don't eat as well.  So I do give some allowances for having a particular distaste for an item.  We generally ask them to take one or two "no-thank-you" bites of something new that they may not take to at first.  But if it is a down right refusal, accompanied with complaints about the meal, showing a great amount of ungratefulness, it comes down to the "this is the next thing you are going to eat, and nothing else until you do" policy.
  Sounds tough, but there is no way I am opening up a private restaurant to serve each person an individualized meal every time we eat.  It's unrealistic, and it doesn't prepare our children to show kindness and respect when we are visiting at another family's home and they are served something that they do not care for.  It is an important social grace to know how to show gratefulness for a meal, even if it is not your favorite.  And these social graces and strengths of character, are practiced and learned at home.

Dwell on Truth

  Ever made up your mind about someone so clearly that you interpret all their actions through your pre-conceived notion of who they are?  If you decide that person is selfish, then even when he tries to be nice, you interpret his actions as self-serving.  He can't win, regardless of what he does, unless you are transformed by the renewing of your mind.
   Sometimes we do this with our children.  We label them.  i.e. "Johnny is a strong-willed child, therefore when Johnny is disobeying he is just expressing his strong willed nature, not truly defying authority.  And I need to let him express himself, or he will become more difficult." If we allow Johnny to be labeled, then he is no longer required to live up to the standards that normal children are held to.  And once Johnny knows that, I guarantee he will live up to your every expectation.  Sometimes we need to renew our mind with the truth.  Johnny has a sin nature, and will take every opportunity he can to serve himself, unless he  is trained to do otherwise; to look out for the needs of others before his own.  He will not naturally bend in that direction, but like a young shoot, he will need to be trained in the way he should grow.  And the consistency of his trainer will make all the difference.  If his trainer believes that Johnny can be just as obedient and respectful as any other child, without labeling him, then Johnny will most likely live up to those expectations.
   We not only do this with our children, but we women do this to ourselves as well.  We choose to dwell on our emotions rather than the truth of God's Word as the guide to our world view.  We don't always feel lovable, so therefore God and others probably don't love us, nor do we deserve their love.  Maybe we think that our circumstances show God's love for us.  If things are going well, we are blessed and loved, if things are hard, we are cursed and abandoned by God.  Nothing could be farther than the truth God reveals to us in scripture.  We must be transformed by the renewing of our mind.
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
—EPHESIANS 3:17-19
 Nowhere in the above passage does it describe your performance as the mandate to God's love for you. In fact, if truth be known, if you are His, and trust him alone for your salvation, He promises:
"The Lord your God is with you...he will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
—ZEPHANIAH 3:17
 Now that is truth, and it is how God views those who are His.  And, we will only feel that truth when we choose to believe it and view God's actions in our life through that truth.  So how do we become transformed by the renewing of our mind?  When we begin to realize we are believing a lie, we need to stop that thought, and replace it with the combating Truth from the scriptures.  If we make a habit of replacing lies with Truth, then in time, the emotions will follow the shifting of our minds.
  Every relationship in our life is greatly effected by the world view we have toward it.  If we make a habit of dwelling on truth, we allow people the room they need to change and better themselves...and we allow ourselves the grace we need to grow in love as well.

"That's Nice, But I Want to do Something More With My Life"

  Let me begin by stating that I find no scriptures in the Bible that forbid a woman from working outside the home or being involved in business altogether.  That being said, what I do find is in Titus 2:3-5 where Paul exhorts the older women to teach "young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."
  I could blog on each of these exhortations, and may just do that very thing, but today I would like to focus on the "homemaker" portion of this scripture.  John MacAruthur expounds on this point nicely:

"... wives are to be workers at home. One of the hardest things for many contemporary wives to do is be satisfied with being a homemaker. Part of the reason is that modern appliances and other conveniences greatly simplify and reduce housework, and time that is not used for something constructive inevitably produces boredom, dissatisfaction, and often increased temptations. Women who have no children or whose children are grown obviously have fewer obligations in the home and therefore much more time available, and the point is not so much that a woman's place is in the home as that her responsibility is for the home. She may have a reasonable outside job or choose to work in the church or to minister in a Christian organization, a hospital, a school, or many other ways. But the home is a wife's special domain and always should be her highest priority. That is where she is able to offer the most encouragement and support to her husband and is the best place for extending hospitality to Christian friends, to unbelieving neighbors, and to visiting missionaries or other Christian workers." 

 I particularly like the underlined section above.  The whole point is that God designed the wife's role to be one of running and overseeing the needs of her home, husband, and children, if they have them.  That is to be her top priority and focus of  her heart. The decision to take on work outside of the home is a personal one that each couple must seek God's guidance to carefully make.
  In our family, I find that keeping the home is more than a full time job and requires all of my creative, mental, and physical capabilities to be at all successful.  It would be impossible for me to do what I do, AND hold down a job outside of the home. Such decisions come with sacrifices, and the biggest one we undertake is financial in nature.  However, although it is tight at times, and we don't have quite as much freedom as some other families, we have a family that is close, and children who lack for nothing important.  This is the path we felt God was calling us to pursue, and we have found Him faithful to provide our every need to accomplish this task so far.
  This soap-box presentation is brought to you because of an encounter my husband had at his school the other day.  He overheard a girl saying, "Yeah, I love my mom, but I want to do something more with my life."  I do not begrudge a girl from pursuing any dream she feels called to follow, but what grieves my heart is the idea that mothers who stay at home are not using all their talents or achieving their full potential.  Such a passive comment betrays the growing dishonor our society has for stay-at-home-moms, and our families suffer for it. 

  In homeschooling our daughters, I have stumbled across a new personal heroine, Abigail Adams.  For those of you unfamiliar with her, she was a stay-at-home-mother to four children.  She protected her family in the midst of a war being fought all around her home, and braved a small pox epidemic, all while running the family farm in her husband's long absence.  Where was her husband?  Well,he was helping the thirteen colonies take the crucial step in transforming from British states to becoming a cohesive republic. His name was John Adams, second president of the United States.  Not only was this self-educated, brilliant minded young wife her husband's sounding board for the direction of our young country, she was also carefully attending to the needs of her children, one of whom became our nation's 6th president. (John Quincy Adams).  It grieves me that Abigail didn't have the opportunity to make something of her life. (smirk) 
  Abigail is my kind of feminist.  She wrote to her husband to "remember the ladies" when he and Thomas Jefferson, along with Benjamin Franklin were making the laws for our newly formed government.  She desired for women to have the right to be educated, acknowledging that all of society would benefit from having highly skilled homemakers and mothers.  She pressed for woman to have the right to vote, own property, and have legal re-course against an abusive husband.  But, Abigail  felt strongly that the wife's role and influence was most powerfully played out in the sphere of the home.  I'm sure that she did not feel un-fulfilled and useless to society.  Quite the contrary, as her preserved personal letters, and her place in history attest.
  I hope that as the older women teach the younger ones, as the above scripture commands, that they will honor the role of the stay-at-home mom.  I hope that they don't boil that role down to a glorified housekeeper.  Instead, let them allow young women to feel fulfilled, without added pressure to carry on a personal career, so that those who feel called to stay at home will have the support of their fellow women.
The shaping of the next generation falls heavily upon mothers' shoulders, and it is a position to be honored and respected all on its own.

Dishwashers and Other Famous Battlegrounds

 While unloading the bottomless dishwasher, that in our home hardly has time to stop and catch its breath, I had a moment of self-honesty this weekend.  We have teams assigned to take turns unloading the dishwasher, but being true children, they seldom notice when it needs to be unloaded without help.  So here I was doing someone's chore, assigned to them to help lighten my load,  instead of telling them to do their chore.  WHY?  What motivates me to quietly do the chore, rather than ask those who are responsible to do it?  I realized that I hate to tell them, more than I hate to be overtaxed.  I fear becoming a nag.  Nagging has to be one of the most unbecoming feminine qualities to me.  So, to avoid nagging, or what I perceive to be nagging, I not only allow myself to become burdened, but I neglect my daughter's training in household chores.
  All this played through my mind while I continued to empty the beast of all the clean silverware and cooking utensils.  I began to think about the true goal in my training the girls to run a home.  Did I really want them to just be able to click of things on a list, or did I want them to open their eyes and begin to take notice of what needed to be done, and to meet that need.  Who doesn't want that kind of player on their team, right?  But how do you TRAIN someone to take the initiative to help?  That is the hard part.  Then an idea came to mind and I called the family together to make the announcement.
  "Hear Ye, Hear Ye...I have discovered that I hate to ask you to do your chores, so much so that I fail you by doing them for you.  It helps me greatly to know that you are taking charge of your area by seeing that it needs to be done, and doing it.  So, if you see a need, like unloading the dishwasher, and you know it is your team's turn to unload, come and ask me if the dishwasher is clean, and if it is, go to it.  Then I will give extra Wii time to any team that takes that extra initiative."  The idea sounded grand, and exciting, and I was proud for speaking my needs more clearly.   However, it is Tuesday, and I have yet to see one team be so motivated as to take me up on my offer given to them on Saturday.  Hmm, maybe not so brilliant an idea after all.
  Regardless, I do want to make it a goal to encourage and reward initiative in my children's training.  Any suggestions as to how to accomplish this task?  I am all ears!

The Pitfall of Comparison

  Her house looks perfect all the time, her children are clean, cute, and polite, and she always looks put-together and cool as a cucumber.  Isn't that one of the verses found in the passage about the Proverbs 31 woman?  Hardly!  But, it seems as though we all think we know a woman or two like this.  I assure you that she is fictitious.  We do not know what her bad days are like, or how she responds when her children ruin their new clothes AGAIN.  Ever think that she, like you, cleans her house before someone comes over?  Oh, and have you seen her pain and inner struggles, or do you assume she hasn't any because she chooses not to complain all the time?
  You have a skewed view of your perfect friend, because you have seen her through the eyes of comparison.  I will tell you now, comparison has two daughters, Pride and Envy.  When you see your friend, and you compare her child training, house, appearance, etc to your own, you will end up entertaining one of these two daughters.  We are well acquainted with the pitfalls of Pride, but let us for today consider Envy.
  I have a friend who I tend to put up on a pedestal, especially when it come to cooking healthy foods for her family.  I am grateful for her friendship because she has taught me so much in areas that I know so little.  I would see her AMAZING cakes that she would make for her children's birthdays.  I tried to make my made-from-scratch-healthy cakes come out with the same finished look that hers came out with, but I was a far cry from it.  I was in awe of her, and envious.  Then one day our family happened to visit hers right after one of her children's birthdays.  There was left over cake, and she offered some to us.  I started talking with her about my cake envy and how creative she was.  I asked her how she got her cakes to be so fluffy when she used the heavier healthy ingredients.  She looked blank for a moment, and said, "It's a box cake, and I bought the icing."  I could hear the veil being torn from top to bottom.  She stood before me a real woman.  I laughed and laughed that I had entertained Envy for so long, without any truth to support it.
  Perhaps you have a friend who makes "boxed cake" too?  Either way the truth is that you are being untruthful with yourself and unfair to your friend by not allowing her to be real, and to need help with the issues she has in her life.  Maybe it is a sign that you just need to get to know her better.  Perhaps you can take her out to lunch or tea and listen.  Seek to be her friend with eyes that truly see.  You may have been blind to her hurts and struggles because you were too busy seeing her only through the eyes of comparison. It is my experience that many of these "perfect" ladies feel a little isolated because they need to have others show a great deal of interest before they open their struggles up for discussion.  So, take your focus off yourself.   Then, Love and Service can come into your heart, leaving no room for Envy.
 

Talk About It

  I enjoy a good story whether it comes in movie, book, Broadway musical, or old folk tale format.  I love the human struggle, the courage to rise above the circumstances, the patience to wait out the storm, and the humility to turn the other cheek and love your enemy.  I really can't get enough of a good story.  Needless to say, we are often watching a movie with our girls, or reading a book together, or...well you get the idea.  And although I love diving into another world through the experience, what I love even more is sharing that experience with the ones I love.
  Seldom do we watch a movie or t.v. show without stopping it to discuss the characters' motives, actions and decisions.  Many times after finishing a chapter in a book, we naturally discuss the underlying meaning.  Not like a literature class, where you have to guess the meaning the teacher is looking for, regardless of what you really got out of it.  But,  in a more relaxed and truly informative manner. 
  A good story offers the opportunity to discover some of the harsher aspects of our world without having to experience them first-hand.  It can give a platform to discuss good and poor family relationships, and what we would like to see in our family.  We have talked about sex before marriage, and how people flatter to deceive.  We have talked about drugs and the hunger for power.  These are discussions that can help serve as warnings against poor choices.
  But, what I really love to talk about is the redeeming qualities of the stories.  Does the character choose to act selflessly towards those in the story?  Is there repentance and change of heart?  Did the hero rise up against great odds by never giving up hope?  Did the siblings choose to share and talk kindly to one another?
Many fantastic discussions and life lessons have come about because we talked through what was happening in the story.
  Take the movie The Blind Side for example.  We talked about the projects. We talked about Michael's mother being a crack addict and having many babies with different men.  We talked about the rich white private school, and why it might be awkward for a boy from the projects to attend there.  We talked about the family that took him in and how they treated him with love and kindness, and how they had to battle the prejudice of those around them.  The point is, we talked, and talked.  And every now and then one of the girls will make a connection between something they read, or saw, or experienced with one of our talks.  We are sharing and learning together.
 I guess the point of this post is to encourage us to watch, and read with teaching in mind. Look for things that they need warnings about, or highlight the exemplary actions of the characters.  Don't just turn on and tune out.  Don't just read a chapter and then close the book and be done...keep it alive as you share it with your family.

You Grind Your Own Wheat?

When you read the title of this post , are you  picturing me with a mortar and pestle, or turning the handle on some sort of meat grinding contraption?  Would you feel a little less intimidated if I told you that I have an electric grinder that sounds something like a vacuum cleaner when it's grinding?  Here is a picture of the Wondermill, my handy dandy wheat grinder.
  So much for the image of me in my pioneer apron wiping the sweat off my brow.  Would my image be completely blown if I told you that we didn't use a butter-churn to make our own butter?  We use a blender.  I prefer an urbanized version of the simple life.

So, I have been asked to blog about bread making, and  the reason behind our decision to go this route.  There is a source to blame for this course of our life.  A book named What the Bible Says About Healthy Living was our introductory course in nutrition in the early years of our marriage.  In it we learned a great deal about the kernel of wheat and it's amazing nutritional value.  It also went on to inform us of the nutritional problems that occur when wheat is processed with bleaching and fortification, leaving an end result of a high calorie food that has almost zero nutritional value.  I will leave you to discover the rest of the story of wheat on your own, but we began to research more and more, and made the decision to begin learning how to make our own bread.
  We were surprised to find that there was a growing movement of home bread-makers in our part of the world, and many were ready with advice for us.  We spent a few years gathering information, and with baby steps we started moving toward making our own bread with store-bought flour just to see if we could make it successfully at home.  Eventually, as we increased in skills, we decided to get the Wondermill and grind our own wheat for the exponential health benefits it provides.  With that purchase, it followed that we had to find a source from which to buy whole kernels of wheat.  Each time we moved, we had to find a new source.  But, now we order our wheat once a year with a co-op of numerous families in the north Georgia area who also make their own bread.  (The number of families would shock you.)
  On to the present, and our family has mastered, loaves of honey wheat bread, rolls, pancakes, biscuits, tortillas, coffee cake, muffins, and the like.  We have even learned to make our own granola for morning cereal, and it costs far less, and tastes much better than the store bought equivalent.
  Once or twice a week I make 2-4 loaves of bread and 1-2 batches of tortillas, and a dozen biscuits.   Many times I have to cook one extra loaf that we call the sacrificial loaf,  because it is instantly cut, buttered and devoured within minutes of coming out of the oven.  With the use of my Kitchen Aid mixer I am able to make multiple loaves at once without manually kneading the dough, therefore cutting down on the time of labor.
  It isn't always the most convenient way of getting a meal on the table.  I have to plan ahead and make sure the bread is there to make sandwiches, french toast, or whatever.  With anything new there is a learning curve, where it takes more time and effort to do a task than it does when you have gained the experience.
But things that are of value, are seldom too convenient, so I have found.

Let Your Child Disobey

  The scene  is a familiar one, strict Christian family runs a tight ship and the children are quiet, polite, and vacant robots.  They smile at the adults, and answer with an empty respect, and then the second the authority's back is turned they rebel, like a horse bolting for the crack in the stall door.  I have seen many of these well-intending families keep a sheltered environment for their children, only to see them dump all their beliefs and discipline the moment they reach college.
  What happens to these kids?  My personal opinion is that the parents chose to "child-proof the world" instead of "world-proof the child".  Much trouble was taken to remove bad choices in the child's life.  Like the locks on the cabinet, or toilet seat for a toddler, all the wrong choices were eliminated, ultimately resulting in no choice at all.  When that happens, the child can only respond to the outside pressure to obey.  But when that pressure (the parent) is removed, then the child's untried and weak will quickly resorts to whatever whim it feels most inclined to follow.
  In our home, other than outlet plugs and a blanket on the stone fireplace, we did not make provisions to child proof our home.  Instead, we took time to follow them around and give them the rules.  It required patience to allow our children to test those rules and suffer the consequences.  But, it was important to us that our daughters learned to govern themselves.  Their will and resolve would strengthen with every choice to disobey or obey.  The removal of every temptation doesn't strengthen us to govern ourselves from within, but creates a resentment for the fetters.  Learning that our choices are ours, and that they have consequences, teaches us to be aware of the world, and to grow in wisdom.
  Sometimes we run into trouble with our older girls running interference for our youngest.  They want to remove the temptation from the little one, or they want to get in there before she has a chance to dis-obey.  We have to remind them to let her CHOOSE to obey or not.  Yes, our actions bear consequences, but the ability to choose is what strengthens our own resolve.  We can help build that will by rewarding good choices and making poor ones unpleasant, but we do not help them by eliminating the chance to disobey. 

  Recently we got a glimpse in to our 6yro's resolve.  Through a previous poor decision on her part, she earned a week without sweets of any kind.  Unfortunately for her, this fell on the week she would be spending at her Grandparents house while Ryan and I were in Savannah. (Grandparents = everything fun AND LOTS OF SWEETS)   I  made her restrictions known to her grandparents, but I was curious to see what she would do when we weren't around to be a presence in her life.   Her grandparents forgot and offered her dessert.  Her Aunt and uncle came over and took all the girls to the park, and gave them ice cream.  But, the 6 yro had to remind them all that she couldn't eat sweets, and had to sit and watch her sisters enjoy what she had been offered as well, but CHOSE to refuse.  Add to that a visit to the neighbor's house for lunch, where the hostess gave each girl a box of sugary goodness, and I am not sure I would have stood the test at 37 much less at 6.  She had to take her box back to the house and wait until her restrictions were lifted to enjoy it.  We were so proud of her resolve.  It's not always so successful, I mean she had restrictions for a reason...the will hadn't been so strong the week before.  But she realized that the choice to obey or not was HER choice.

  We have been blessed so far to see our girls make their own decisions regarding modesty, what they choose to watch, etc.  I hope and pray that they continue to see the fruits of wise decisions and therefore grow in discernment through their young adult years. We continue to seek God's guidance and grace as we stumble our way through parenthood.  Prayer is essential since we trust that only God can change hearts.  We can make the environment rich for training, but only God can make it grow.

Glimpse of the Goal

  A couple of mornings ago, I sat down to breakfast and chatted with the girls before we took off with schooling for the day.  I happened to mention that we were expecting thunderstorms in the afternoon.  Suddenly I was staring at a table full of concerned looks.  But they weren't nervous about the thunder and lightning, oh no, they began exclaiming that all  the piles of leaves they had raked-up the previous night would get drenched and be more difficult to move into the forest.
  SAY WHAT?   I was thinking the same thing you are...what kids care about, much less THINK about such things.  They began begging me for time to go out and get the leaves up before the rain came our way.  How could I possibly refuse them when they requested time to do outdoor labor?  So they rushed outside, and I shuffled along a few minutes behind them. 
  Still in a somewhat bewildered state of mind over the events of the past few moments, I arrived on the scene to find a well oiled machine at work.  The wheelbarrow was being used to cart leaves out to the forest, and then to cart the 3yro on the way back.  Not only were they giving it their full, team effort, but they seemed like they were enjoying themselves.  I looked over my shoulder thinking I might find Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee.   I could almost hear the Disney music playing as my children kept up the pace.  I joined in the work, and tied strings with all their hearts.  There's nothing like a common goal to build community.
  This is a rare occurrence, but one that I hope will be repeated with increasing frequency as our children mature.  Part of the goal in training them is to encourage initiative and diligence in the work at hand.  We want our children to reach a place where they see the need and take measures to meet it.  I don't want to have teenagers that need me to harp on every little thing that needs to be done around the house.  I want teammates on our family ship, not passengers who expect a luxury cruise until they are 18.  When our children take ownership or partnership in the family affairs, they begin to feel their worth and the responsibility that comes with it.  So glad for the glimpse of the goal that those sweet girls gave me.  I pray that God will help me to be a daily example of the goal for my girls; for more is caught than taught.

Letters to Help Pass the Time

  Ryan and I have just returned from our yearly trips to Savannah.  Although the trips are somewhat business related, they are always a good time for the two of us to get away and enjoy a little adult time.  My in-laws have graciously taken care of our kids during these trips.   As you can imagine there is a considerable amount of planning that goes into organizing this great exodus to the grandparent's house. 
  As the girls have matured, I have been able to assign them certain duties to ease the load off of Nana.  (It's no small thing to send five girls to someone's home to care for them, and I have no intention of wearing my welcome out there!)  For example, the second oldest has been in charge of handing out all the vitamins for the past two trips. This year the oldest has been gracious enough to take on the 3 yro; dressing her, and putting her to bed, and intercepting any night-time needs.  These girls are such blessings to us in the way they serve the family.
   This year the 6yro took on a very special duty.  She was in charge of handing out the letters.  I'm not exactly sure when this tradition started, but somewhere along the line we started writing EACH of the girls a letter for EACH of the days we are gone.  So for those of you less inclined to mathematics, a trip of four days in length, means 20 letters that Ryan and I write for the girls to open.  The 6 yro was so pleased to have this responsibility, and she performed it exceptionally well, so I am told.
  I love writing the letters, even though I tend to wait until the last minute, and suffer from writer's cramp for the first few hours of the trip.  They help me to think outside of my self and remember the activities that the girls will be participating in while we are away.  Additionally, they are great ways to remind them to look for ways to serve their grandparents, instead of just basking in the lap of luxury the whole time.
  Recently, the letters have taken flight and Ryan and I have walked away with letters of our own from our oldest girls to open everyday of our trip.  Our second oldest has taken a shine to the fun of surprising us with them.  Her clever wit and attention to detail have come to the surface in these letters, and we enjoy this new medium of communicating with her.
  Just another peak into the strange ways of the Zwemkes.  We find the letters have helped the younger children to handle the time apart more peaceably.  I would love to hear of traditions that others have during times of separation.