Ever made up your mind about someone so clearly that you interpret all their actions through your pre-conceived notion of who they are? If you decide that person is selfish, then even when he tries to be nice, you interpret his actions as self-serving. He can't win, regardless of what he does, unless you are transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Sometimes we do this with our children. We label them. i.e. "Johnny is a strong-willed child, therefore when Johnny is disobeying he is just expressing his strong willed nature, not truly defying authority. And I need to let him express himself, or he will become more difficult." If we allow Johnny to be labeled, then he is no longer required to live up to the standards that normal children are held to. And once Johnny knows that, I guarantee he will live up to your every expectation. Sometimes we need to renew our mind with the truth. Johnny has a sin nature, and will take every opportunity he can to serve himself, unless he is trained to do otherwise; to look out for the needs of others before his own. He will not naturally bend in that direction, but like a young shoot, he will need to be trained in the way he should grow. And the consistency of his trainer will make all the difference. If his trainer believes that Johnny can be just as obedient and respectful as any other child, without labeling him, then Johnny will most likely live up to those expectations.
We not only do this with our children, but we women do this to ourselves as well. We choose to dwell on our emotions rather than the truth of God's Word as the guide to our world view. We don't always feel lovable, so therefore God and others probably don't love us, nor do we deserve their love. Maybe we think that our circumstances show God's love for us. If things are going well, we are blessed and loved, if things are hard, we are cursed and abandoned by God. Nothing could be farther than the truth God reveals to us in scripture. We must be transformed by the renewing of our mind.
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
—EPHESIANS 3:17-19
Nowhere in the above passage does it describe your performance as the mandate to God's love for you. In fact, if truth be known, if you are His, and trust him alone for your salvation, He promises:
"The Lord your God is with you...he will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
—ZEPHANIAH 3:17
Now that is truth, and it is how God views those who are His. And, we will only feel that truth when we choose to believe it and view God's actions in our life through that truth. So how do we become transformed by the renewing of our mind? When we begin to realize we are believing a lie, we need to stop that thought, and replace it with the combating Truth from the scriptures. If we make a habit of replacing lies with Truth, then in time, the emotions will follow the shifting of our minds.
Every relationship in our life is greatly effected by the world view we have toward it. If we make a habit of dwelling on truth, we allow people the room they need to change and better themselves...and we allow ourselves the grace we need to grow in love as well.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
"That's Nice, But I Want to do Something More With My Life"
Let me begin by stating that I find no scriptures in the Bible that forbid a woman from working outside the home or being involved in business altogether. That being said, what I do find is in Titus 2:3-5 where Paul exhorts the older women to teach "young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."
I could blog on each of these exhortations, and may just do that very thing, but today I would like to focus on the "homemaker" portion of this scripture. John MacAruthur expounds on this point nicely:
"... wives are to be workers at home. One of the hardest things for many contemporary wives to do is be satisfied with being a homemaker. Part of the reason is that modern appliances and other conveniences greatly simplify and reduce housework, and time that is not used for something constructive inevitably produces boredom, dissatisfaction, and often increased temptations. Women who have no children or whose children are grown obviously have fewer obligations in the home and therefore much more time available, and the point is not so much that a woman's place is in the home as that her responsibility is for the home. She may have a reasonable outside job or choose to work in the church or to minister in a Christian organization, a hospital, a school, or many other ways. But the home is a wife's special domain and always should be her highest priority. That is where she is able to offer the most encouragement and support to her husband and is the best place for extending hospitality to Christian friends, to unbelieving neighbors, and to visiting missionaries or other Christian workers."
I particularly like the underlined section above. The whole point is that God designed the wife's role to be one of running and overseeing the needs of her home, husband, and children, if they have them. That is to be her top priority and focus of her heart. The decision to take on work outside of the home is a personal one that each couple must seek God's guidance to carefully make.
In our family, I find that keeping the home is more than a full time job and requires all of my creative, mental, and physical capabilities to be at all successful. It would be impossible for me to do what I do, AND hold down a job outside of the home. Such decisions come with sacrifices, and the biggest one we undertake is financial in nature. However, although it is tight at times, and we don't have quite as much freedom as some other families, we have a family that is close, and children who lack for nothing important. This is the path we felt God was calling us to pursue, and we have found Him faithful to provide our every need to accomplish this task so far.
This soap-box presentation is brought to you because of an encounter my husband had at his school the other day. He overheard a girl saying, "Yeah, I love my mom, but I want to do something more with my life." I do not begrudge a girl from pursuing any dream she feels called to follow, but what grieves my heart is the idea that mothers who stay at home are not using all their talents or achieving their full potential. Such a passive comment betrays the growing dishonor our society has for stay-at-home-moms, and our families suffer for it.
In homeschooling our daughters, I have stumbled across a new personal heroine, Abigail Adams. For those of you unfamiliar with her, she was a stay-at-home-mother to four children. She protected her family in the midst of a war being fought all around her home, and braved a small pox epidemic, all while running the family farm in her husband's long absence. Where was her husband? Well,he was helping the thirteen colonies take the crucial step in transforming from British states to becoming a cohesive republic. His name was John Adams, second president of the United States. Not only was this self-educated, brilliant minded young wife her husband's sounding board for the direction of our young country, she was also carefully attending to the needs of her children, one of whom became our nation's 6th president. (John Quincy Adams). It grieves me that Abigail didn't have the opportunity to make something of her life. (smirk)
Abigail is my kind of feminist. She wrote to her husband to "remember the ladies" when he and Thomas Jefferson, along with Benjamin Franklin were making the laws for our newly formed government. She desired for women to have the right to be educated, acknowledging that all of society would benefit from having highly skilled homemakers and mothers. She pressed for woman to have the right to vote, own property, and have legal re-course against an abusive husband. But, Abigail felt strongly that the wife's role and influence was most powerfully played out in the sphere of the home. I'm sure that she did not feel un-fulfilled and useless to society. Quite the contrary, as her preserved personal letters, and her place in history attest.
I hope that as the older women teach the younger ones, as the above scripture commands, that they will honor the role of the stay-at-home mom. I hope that they don't boil that role down to a glorified housekeeper. Instead, let them allow young women to feel fulfilled, without added pressure to carry on a personal career, so that those who feel called to stay at home will have the support of their fellow women.
The shaping of the next generation falls heavily upon mothers' shoulders, and it is a position to be honored and respected all on its own.
I could blog on each of these exhortations, and may just do that very thing, but today I would like to focus on the "homemaker" portion of this scripture. John MacAruthur expounds on this point nicely:
"... wives are to be workers at home. One of the hardest things for many contemporary wives to do is be satisfied with being a homemaker. Part of the reason is that modern appliances and other conveniences greatly simplify and reduce housework, and time that is not used for something constructive inevitably produces boredom, dissatisfaction, and often increased temptations. Women who have no children or whose children are grown obviously have fewer obligations in the home and therefore much more time available, and the point is not so much that a woman's place is in the home as that her responsibility is for the home. She may have a reasonable outside job or choose to work in the church or to minister in a Christian organization, a hospital, a school, or many other ways. But the home is a wife's special domain and always should be her highest priority. That is where she is able to offer the most encouragement and support to her husband and is the best place for extending hospitality to Christian friends, to unbelieving neighbors, and to visiting missionaries or other Christian workers."
I particularly like the underlined section above. The whole point is that God designed the wife's role to be one of running and overseeing the needs of her home, husband, and children, if they have them. That is to be her top priority and focus of her heart. The decision to take on work outside of the home is a personal one that each couple must seek God's guidance to carefully make.
In our family, I find that keeping the home is more than a full time job and requires all of my creative, mental, and physical capabilities to be at all successful. It would be impossible for me to do what I do, AND hold down a job outside of the home. Such decisions come with sacrifices, and the biggest one we undertake is financial in nature. However, although it is tight at times, and we don't have quite as much freedom as some other families, we have a family that is close, and children who lack for nothing important. This is the path we felt God was calling us to pursue, and we have found Him faithful to provide our every need to accomplish this task so far.
This soap-box presentation is brought to you because of an encounter my husband had at his school the other day. He overheard a girl saying, "Yeah, I love my mom, but I want to do something more with my life." I do not begrudge a girl from pursuing any dream she feels called to follow, but what grieves my heart is the idea that mothers who stay at home are not using all their talents or achieving their full potential. Such a passive comment betrays the growing dishonor our society has for stay-at-home-moms, and our families suffer for it.
In homeschooling our daughters, I have stumbled across a new personal heroine, Abigail Adams. For those of you unfamiliar with her, she was a stay-at-home-mother to four children. She protected her family in the midst of a war being fought all around her home, and braved a small pox epidemic, all while running the family farm in her husband's long absence. Where was her husband? Well,he was helping the thirteen colonies take the crucial step in transforming from British states to becoming a cohesive republic. His name was John Adams, second president of the United States. Not only was this self-educated, brilliant minded young wife her husband's sounding board for the direction of our young country, she was also carefully attending to the needs of her children, one of whom became our nation's 6th president. (John Quincy Adams). It grieves me that Abigail didn't have the opportunity to make something of her life. (smirk)
Abigail is my kind of feminist. She wrote to her husband to "remember the ladies" when he and Thomas Jefferson, along with Benjamin Franklin were making the laws for our newly formed government. She desired for women to have the right to be educated, acknowledging that all of society would benefit from having highly skilled homemakers and mothers. She pressed for woman to have the right to vote, own property, and have legal re-course against an abusive husband. But, Abigail felt strongly that the wife's role and influence was most powerfully played out in the sphere of the home. I'm sure that she did not feel un-fulfilled and useless to society. Quite the contrary, as her preserved personal letters, and her place in history attest.
I hope that as the older women teach the younger ones, as the above scripture commands, that they will honor the role of the stay-at-home mom. I hope that they don't boil that role down to a glorified housekeeper. Instead, let them allow young women to feel fulfilled, without added pressure to carry on a personal career, so that those who feel called to stay at home will have the support of their fellow women.
The shaping of the next generation falls heavily upon mothers' shoulders, and it is a position to be honored and respected all on its own.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Dishwashers and Other Famous Battlegrounds
While unloading the bottomless dishwasher, that in our home hardly has time to stop and catch its breath, I had a moment of self-honesty this weekend. We have teams assigned to take turns unloading the dishwasher, but being true children, they seldom notice when it needs to be unloaded without help. So here I was doing someone's chore, assigned to them to help lighten my load, instead of telling them to do their chore. WHY? What motivates me to quietly do the chore, rather than ask those who are responsible to do it? I realized that I hate to tell them, more than I hate to be overtaxed. I fear becoming a nag. Nagging has to be one of the most unbecoming feminine qualities to me. So, to avoid nagging, or what I perceive to be nagging, I not only allow myself to become burdened, but I neglect my daughter's training in household chores.
All this played through my mind while I continued to empty the beast of all the clean silverware and cooking utensils. I began to think about the true goal in my training the girls to run a home. Did I really want them to just be able to click of things on a list, or did I want them to open their eyes and begin to take notice of what needed to be done, and to meet that need. Who doesn't want that kind of player on their team, right? But how do you TRAIN someone to take the initiative to help? That is the hard part. Then an idea came to mind and I called the family together to make the announcement.
"Hear Ye, Hear Ye...I have discovered that I hate to ask you to do your chores, so much so that I fail you by doing them for you. It helps me greatly to know that you are taking charge of your area by seeing that it needs to be done, and doing it. So, if you see a need, like unloading the dishwasher, and you know it is your team's turn to unload, come and ask me if the dishwasher is clean, and if it is, go to it. Then I will give extra Wii time to any team that takes that extra initiative." The idea sounded grand, and exciting, and I was proud for speaking my needs more clearly. However, it is Tuesday, and I have yet to see one team be so motivated as to take me up on my offer given to them on Saturday. Hmm, maybe not so brilliant an idea after all.
Regardless, I do want to make it a goal to encourage and reward initiative in my children's training. Any suggestions as to how to accomplish this task? I am all ears!
All this played through my mind while I continued to empty the beast of all the clean silverware and cooking utensils. I began to think about the true goal in my training the girls to run a home. Did I really want them to just be able to click of things on a list, or did I want them to open their eyes and begin to take notice of what needed to be done, and to meet that need. Who doesn't want that kind of player on their team, right? But how do you TRAIN someone to take the initiative to help? That is the hard part. Then an idea came to mind and I called the family together to make the announcement.
"Hear Ye, Hear Ye...I have discovered that I hate to ask you to do your chores, so much so that I fail you by doing them for you. It helps me greatly to know that you are taking charge of your area by seeing that it needs to be done, and doing it. So, if you see a need, like unloading the dishwasher, and you know it is your team's turn to unload, come and ask me if the dishwasher is clean, and if it is, go to it. Then I will give extra Wii time to any team that takes that extra initiative." The idea sounded grand, and exciting, and I was proud for speaking my needs more clearly. However, it is Tuesday, and I have yet to see one team be so motivated as to take me up on my offer given to them on Saturday. Hmm, maybe not so brilliant an idea after all.
Regardless, I do want to make it a goal to encourage and reward initiative in my children's training. Any suggestions as to how to accomplish this task? I am all ears!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Pitfall of Comparison
Her house looks perfect all the time, her children are clean, cute, and polite, and she always looks put-together and cool as a cucumber. Isn't that one of the verses found in the passage about the Proverbs 31 woman? Hardly! But, it seems as though we all think we know a woman or two like this. I assure you that she is fictitious. We do not know what her bad days are like, or how she responds when her children ruin their new clothes AGAIN. Ever think that she, like you, cleans her house before someone comes over? Oh, and have you seen her pain and inner struggles, or do you assume she hasn't any because she chooses not to complain all the time?
You have a skewed view of your perfect friend, because you have seen her through the eyes of comparison. I will tell you now, comparison has two daughters, Pride and Envy. When you see your friend, and you compare her child training, house, appearance, etc to your own, you will end up entertaining one of these two daughters. We are well acquainted with the pitfalls of Pride, but let us for today consider Envy.
I have a friend who I tend to put up on a pedestal, especially when it come to cooking healthy foods for her family. I am grateful for her friendship because she has taught me so much in areas that I know so little. I would see her AMAZING cakes that she would make for her children's birthdays. I tried to make my made-from-scratch-healthy cakes come out with the same finished look that hers came out with, but I was a far cry from it. I was in awe of her, and envious. Then one day our family happened to visit hers right after one of her children's birthdays. There was left over cake, and she offered some to us. I started talking with her about my cake envy and how creative she was. I asked her how she got her cakes to be so fluffy when she used the heavier healthy ingredients. She looked blank for a moment, and said, "It's a box cake, and I bought the icing." I could hear the veil being torn from top to bottom. She stood before me a real woman. I laughed and laughed that I had entertained Envy for so long, without any truth to support it.
Perhaps you have a friend who makes "boxed cake" too? Either way the truth is that you are being untruthful with yourself and unfair to your friend by not allowing her to be real, and to need help with the issues she has in her life. Maybe it is a sign that you just need to get to know her better. Perhaps you can take her out to lunch or tea and listen. Seek to be her friend with eyes that truly see. You may have been blind to her hurts and struggles because you were too busy seeing her only through the eyes of comparison. It is my experience that many of these "perfect" ladies feel a little isolated because they need to have others show a great deal of interest before they open their struggles up for discussion. So, take your focus off yourself. Then, Love and Service can come into your heart, leaving no room for Envy.
You have a skewed view of your perfect friend, because you have seen her through the eyes of comparison. I will tell you now, comparison has two daughters, Pride and Envy. When you see your friend, and you compare her child training, house, appearance, etc to your own, you will end up entertaining one of these two daughters. We are well acquainted with the pitfalls of Pride, but let us for today consider Envy.
I have a friend who I tend to put up on a pedestal, especially when it come to cooking healthy foods for her family. I am grateful for her friendship because she has taught me so much in areas that I know so little. I would see her AMAZING cakes that she would make for her children's birthdays. I tried to make my made-from-scratch-healthy cakes come out with the same finished look that hers came out with, but I was a far cry from it. I was in awe of her, and envious. Then one day our family happened to visit hers right after one of her children's birthdays. There was left over cake, and she offered some to us. I started talking with her about my cake envy and how creative she was. I asked her how she got her cakes to be so fluffy when she used the heavier healthy ingredients. She looked blank for a moment, and said, "It's a box cake, and I bought the icing." I could hear the veil being torn from top to bottom. She stood before me a real woman. I laughed and laughed that I had entertained Envy for so long, without any truth to support it.
Perhaps you have a friend who makes "boxed cake" too? Either way the truth is that you are being untruthful with yourself and unfair to your friend by not allowing her to be real, and to need help with the issues she has in her life. Maybe it is a sign that you just need to get to know her better. Perhaps you can take her out to lunch or tea and listen. Seek to be her friend with eyes that truly see. You may have been blind to her hurts and struggles because you were too busy seeing her only through the eyes of comparison. It is my experience that many of these "perfect" ladies feel a little isolated because they need to have others show a great deal of interest before they open their struggles up for discussion. So, take your focus off yourself. Then, Love and Service can come into your heart, leaving no room for Envy.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Talk About It
I enjoy a good story whether it comes in movie, book, Broadway musical, or old folk tale format. I love the human struggle, the courage to rise above the circumstances, the patience to wait out the storm, and the humility to turn the other cheek and love your enemy. I really can't get enough of a good story. Needless to say, we are often watching a movie with our girls, or reading a book together, or...well you get the idea. And although I love diving into another world through the experience, what I love even more is sharing that experience with the ones I love.
Seldom do we watch a movie or t.v. show without stopping it to discuss the characters' motives, actions and decisions. Many times after finishing a chapter in a book, we naturally discuss the underlying meaning. Not like a literature class, where you have to guess the meaning the teacher is looking for, regardless of what you really got out of it. But, in a more relaxed and truly informative manner.
A good story offers the opportunity to discover some of the harsher aspects of our world without having to experience them first-hand. It can give a platform to discuss good and poor family relationships, and what we would like to see in our family. We have talked about sex before marriage, and how people flatter to deceive. We have talked about drugs and the hunger for power. These are discussions that can help serve as warnings against poor choices.
But, what I really love to talk about is the redeeming qualities of the stories. Does the character choose to act selflessly towards those in the story? Is there repentance and change of heart? Did the hero rise up against great odds by never giving up hope? Did the siblings choose to share and talk kindly to one another?
Many fantastic discussions and life lessons have come about because we talked through what was happening in the story.
Take the movie The Blind Side for example. We talked about the projects. We talked about Michael's mother being a crack addict and having many babies with different men. We talked about the rich white private school, and why it might be awkward for a boy from the projects to attend there. We talked about the family that took him in and how they treated him with love and kindness, and how they had to battle the prejudice of those around them. The point is, we talked, and talked. And every now and then one of the girls will make a connection between something they read, or saw, or experienced with one of our talks. We are sharing and learning together.
I guess the point of this post is to encourage us to watch, and read with teaching in mind. Look for things that they need warnings about, or highlight the exemplary actions of the characters. Don't just turn on and tune out. Don't just read a chapter and then close the book and be done...keep it alive as you share it with your family.
Seldom do we watch a movie or t.v. show without stopping it to discuss the characters' motives, actions and decisions. Many times after finishing a chapter in a book, we naturally discuss the underlying meaning. Not like a literature class, where you have to guess the meaning the teacher is looking for, regardless of what you really got out of it. But, in a more relaxed and truly informative manner.
A good story offers the opportunity to discover some of the harsher aspects of our world without having to experience them first-hand. It can give a platform to discuss good and poor family relationships, and what we would like to see in our family. We have talked about sex before marriage, and how people flatter to deceive. We have talked about drugs and the hunger for power. These are discussions that can help serve as warnings against poor choices.
But, what I really love to talk about is the redeeming qualities of the stories. Does the character choose to act selflessly towards those in the story? Is there repentance and change of heart? Did the hero rise up against great odds by never giving up hope? Did the siblings choose to share and talk kindly to one another?
Many fantastic discussions and life lessons have come about because we talked through what was happening in the story.
Take the movie The Blind Side for example. We talked about the projects. We talked about Michael's mother being a crack addict and having many babies with different men. We talked about the rich white private school, and why it might be awkward for a boy from the projects to attend there. We talked about the family that took him in and how they treated him with love and kindness, and how they had to battle the prejudice of those around them. The point is, we talked, and talked. And every now and then one of the girls will make a connection between something they read, or saw, or experienced with one of our talks. We are sharing and learning together.
I guess the point of this post is to encourage us to watch, and read with teaching in mind. Look for things that they need warnings about, or highlight the exemplary actions of the characters. Don't just turn on and tune out. Don't just read a chapter and then close the book and be done...keep it alive as you share it with your family.
Friday, March 11, 2011
You Grind Your Own Wheat?
So much for the image of me in my pioneer apron wiping the sweat off my brow. Would my image be completely blown if I told you that we didn't use a butter-churn to make our own butter? We use a blender. I prefer an urbanized version of the simple life.
So, I have been asked to blog about bread making, and the reason behind our decision to go this route. There is a source to blame for this course of our life. A book named What the Bible Says About Healthy Living was our introductory course in nutrition in the early years of our marriage. In it we learned a great deal about the kernel of wheat and it's amazing nutritional value. It also went on to inform us of the nutritional problems that occur when wheat is processed with bleaching and fortification, leaving an end result of a high calorie food that has almost zero nutritional value. I will leave you to discover the rest of the story of wheat on your own, but we began to research more and more, and made the decision to begin learning how to make our own bread.
We were surprised to find that there was a growing movement of home bread-makers in our part of the world, and many were ready with advice for us. We spent a few years gathering information, and with baby steps we started moving toward making our own bread with store-bought flour just to see if we could make it successfully at home. Eventually, as we increased in skills, we decided to get the Wondermill and grind our own wheat for the exponential health benefits it provides. With that purchase, it followed that we had to find a source from which to buy whole kernels of wheat. Each time we moved, we had to find a new source. But, now we order our wheat once a year with a co-op of numerous families in the north Georgia area who also make their own bread. (The number of families would shock you.)
On to the present, and our family has mastered, loaves of honey wheat bread, rolls, pancakes, biscuits, tortillas, coffee cake, muffins, and the like. We have even learned to make our own granola for morning cereal, and it costs far less, and tastes much better than the store bought equivalent.
Once or twice a week I make 2-4 loaves of bread and 1-2 batches of tortillas, and a dozen biscuits. Many times I have to cook one extra loaf that we call the sacrificial loaf, because it is instantly cut, buttered and devoured within minutes of coming out of the oven. With the use of my Kitchen Aid mixer I am able to make multiple loaves at once without manually kneading the dough, therefore cutting down on the time of labor.
It isn't always the most convenient way of getting a meal on the table. I have to plan ahead and make sure the bread is there to make sandwiches, french toast, or whatever. With anything new there is a learning curve, where it takes more time and effort to do a task than it does when you have gained the experience.
But things that are of value, are seldom too convenient, so I have found.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Let Your Child Disobey
The scene is a familiar one, strict Christian family runs a tight ship and the children are quiet, polite, and vacant robots. They smile at the adults, and answer with an empty respect, and then the second the authority's back is turned they rebel, like a horse bolting for the crack in the stall door. I have seen many of these well-intending families keep a sheltered environment for their children, only to see them dump all their beliefs and discipline the moment they reach college.
What happens to these kids? My personal opinion is that the parents chose to "child-proof the world" instead of "world-proof the child". Much trouble was taken to remove bad choices in the child's life. Like the locks on the cabinet, or toilet seat for a toddler, all the wrong choices were eliminated, ultimately resulting in no choice at all. When that happens, the child can only respond to the outside pressure to obey. But when that pressure (the parent) is removed, then the child's untried and weak will quickly resorts to whatever whim it feels most inclined to follow.
In our home, other than outlet plugs and a blanket on the stone fireplace, we did not make provisions to child proof our home. Instead, we took time to follow them around and give them the rules. It required patience to allow our children to test those rules and suffer the consequences. But, it was important to us that our daughters learned to govern themselves. Their will and resolve would strengthen with every choice to disobey or obey. The removal of every temptation doesn't strengthen us to govern ourselves from within, but creates a resentment for the fetters. Learning that our choices are ours, and that they have consequences, teaches us to be aware of the world, and to grow in wisdom.
Sometimes we run into trouble with our older girls running interference for our youngest. They want to remove the temptation from the little one, or they want to get in there before she has a chance to dis-obey. We have to remind them to let her CHOOSE to obey or not. Yes, our actions bear consequences, but the ability to choose is what strengthens our own resolve. We can help build that will by rewarding good choices and making poor ones unpleasant, but we do not help them by eliminating the chance to disobey.
Recently we got a glimpse in to our 6yro's resolve. Through a previous poor decision on her part, she earned a week without sweets of any kind. Unfortunately for her, this fell on the week she would be spending at her Grandparents house while Ryan and I were in Savannah. (Grandparents = everything fun AND LOTS OF SWEETS) I made her restrictions known to her grandparents, but I was curious to see what she would do when we weren't around to be a presence in her life. Her grandparents forgot and offered her dessert. Her Aunt and uncle came over and took all the girls to the park, and gave them ice cream. But, the 6 yro had to remind them all that she couldn't eat sweets, and had to sit and watch her sisters enjoy what she had been offered as well, but CHOSE to refuse. Add to that a visit to the neighbor's house for lunch, where the hostess gave each girl a box of sugary goodness, and I am not sure I would have stood the test at 37 much less at 6. She had to take her box back to the house and wait until her restrictions were lifted to enjoy it. We were so proud of her resolve. It's not always so successful, I mean she had restrictions for a reason...the will hadn't been so strong the week before. But she realized that the choice to obey or not was HER choice.
We have been blessed so far to see our girls make their own decisions regarding modesty, what they choose to watch, etc. I hope and pray that they continue to see the fruits of wise decisions and therefore grow in discernment through their young adult years. We continue to seek God's guidance and grace as we stumble our way through parenthood. Prayer is essential since we trust that only God can change hearts. We can make the environment rich for training, but only God can make it grow.
What happens to these kids? My personal opinion is that the parents chose to "child-proof the world" instead of "world-proof the child". Much trouble was taken to remove bad choices in the child's life. Like the locks on the cabinet, or toilet seat for a toddler, all the wrong choices were eliminated, ultimately resulting in no choice at all. When that happens, the child can only respond to the outside pressure to obey. But when that pressure (the parent) is removed, then the child's untried and weak will quickly resorts to whatever whim it feels most inclined to follow.
In our home, other than outlet plugs and a blanket on the stone fireplace, we did not make provisions to child proof our home. Instead, we took time to follow them around and give them the rules. It required patience to allow our children to test those rules and suffer the consequences. But, it was important to us that our daughters learned to govern themselves. Their will and resolve would strengthen with every choice to disobey or obey. The removal of every temptation doesn't strengthen us to govern ourselves from within, but creates a resentment for the fetters. Learning that our choices are ours, and that they have consequences, teaches us to be aware of the world, and to grow in wisdom.
Sometimes we run into trouble with our older girls running interference for our youngest. They want to remove the temptation from the little one, or they want to get in there before she has a chance to dis-obey. We have to remind them to let her CHOOSE to obey or not. Yes, our actions bear consequences, but the ability to choose is what strengthens our own resolve. We can help build that will by rewarding good choices and making poor ones unpleasant, but we do not help them by eliminating the chance to disobey.
Recently we got a glimpse in to our 6yro's resolve. Through a previous poor decision on her part, she earned a week without sweets of any kind. Unfortunately for her, this fell on the week she would be spending at her Grandparents house while Ryan and I were in Savannah. (Grandparents = everything fun AND LOTS OF SWEETS) I made her restrictions known to her grandparents, but I was curious to see what she would do when we weren't around to be a presence in her life. Her grandparents forgot and offered her dessert. Her Aunt and uncle came over and took all the girls to the park, and gave them ice cream. But, the 6 yro had to remind them all that she couldn't eat sweets, and had to sit and watch her sisters enjoy what she had been offered as well, but CHOSE to refuse. Add to that a visit to the neighbor's house for lunch, where the hostess gave each girl a box of sugary goodness, and I am not sure I would have stood the test at 37 much less at 6. She had to take her box back to the house and wait until her restrictions were lifted to enjoy it. We were so proud of her resolve. It's not always so successful, I mean she had restrictions for a reason...the will hadn't been so strong the week before. But she realized that the choice to obey or not was HER choice.
We have been blessed so far to see our girls make their own decisions regarding modesty, what they choose to watch, etc. I hope and pray that they continue to see the fruits of wise decisions and therefore grow in discernment through their young adult years. We continue to seek God's guidance and grace as we stumble our way through parenthood. Prayer is essential since we trust that only God can change hearts. We can make the environment rich for training, but only God can make it grow.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Glimpse of the Goal
A couple of mornings ago, I sat down to breakfast and chatted with the girls before we took off with schooling for the day. I happened to mention that we were expecting thunderstorms in the afternoon. Suddenly I was staring at a table full of concerned looks. But they weren't nervous about the thunder and lightning, oh no, they began exclaiming that all the piles of leaves they had raked-up the previous night would get drenched and be more difficult to move into the forest.
SAY WHAT? I was thinking the same thing you are...what kids care about, much less THINK about such things. They began begging me for time to go out and get the leaves up before the rain came our way. How could I possibly refuse them when they requested time to do outdoor labor? So they rushed outside, and I shuffled along a few minutes behind them.
Still in a somewhat bewildered state of mind over the events of the past few moments, I arrived on the scene to find a well oiled machine at work. The wheelbarrow was being used to cart leaves out to the forest, and then to cart the 3yro on the way back. Not only were they giving it their full, team effort, but they seemed like they were enjoying themselves. I looked over my shoulder thinking I might find Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee. I could almost hear the Disney music playing as my children kept up the pace. I joined in the work, and tied strings with all their hearts. There's nothing like a common goal to build community.
This is a rare occurrence, but one that I hope will be repeated with increasing frequency as our children mature. Part of the goal in training them is to encourage initiative and diligence in the work at hand. We want our children to reach a place where they see the need and take measures to meet it. I don't want to have teenagers that need me to harp on every little thing that needs to be done around the house. I want teammates on our family ship, not passengers who expect a luxury cruise until they are 18. When our children take ownership or partnership in the family affairs, they begin to feel their worth and the responsibility that comes with it. So glad for the glimpse of the goal that those sweet girls gave me. I pray that God will help me to be a daily example of the goal for my girls; for more is caught than taught.
SAY WHAT? I was thinking the same thing you are...what kids care about, much less THINK about such things. They began begging me for time to go out and get the leaves up before the rain came our way. How could I possibly refuse them when they requested time to do outdoor labor? So they rushed outside, and I shuffled along a few minutes behind them.
Still in a somewhat bewildered state of mind over the events of the past few moments, I arrived on the scene to find a well oiled machine at work. The wheelbarrow was being used to cart leaves out to the forest, and then to cart the 3yro on the way back. Not only were they giving it their full, team effort, but they seemed like they were enjoying themselves. I looked over my shoulder thinking I might find Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee. I could almost hear the Disney music playing as my children kept up the pace. I joined in the work, and tied strings with all their hearts. There's nothing like a common goal to build community.
This is a rare occurrence, but one that I hope will be repeated with increasing frequency as our children mature. Part of the goal in training them is to encourage initiative and diligence in the work at hand. We want our children to reach a place where they see the need and take measures to meet it. I don't want to have teenagers that need me to harp on every little thing that needs to be done around the house. I want teammates on our family ship, not passengers who expect a luxury cruise until they are 18. When our children take ownership or partnership in the family affairs, they begin to feel their worth and the responsibility that comes with it. So glad for the glimpse of the goal that those sweet girls gave me. I pray that God will help me to be a daily example of the goal for my girls; for more is caught than taught.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Letters to Help Pass the Time
Ryan and I have just returned from our yearly trips to Savannah. Although the trips are somewhat business related, they are always a good time for the two of us to get away and enjoy a little adult time. My in-laws have graciously taken care of our kids during these trips. As you can imagine there is a considerable amount of planning that goes into organizing this great exodus to the grandparent's house.
As the girls have matured, I have been able to assign them certain duties to ease the load off of Nana. (It's no small thing to send five girls to someone's home to care for them, and I have no intention of wearing my welcome out there!) For example, the second oldest has been in charge of handing out all the vitamins for the past two trips. This year the oldest has been gracious enough to take on the 3 yro; dressing her, and putting her to bed, and intercepting any night-time needs. These girls are such blessings to us in the way they serve the family.
This year the 6yro took on a very special duty. She was in charge of handing out the letters. I'm not exactly sure when this tradition started, but somewhere along the line we started writing EACH of the girls a letter for EACH of the days we are gone. So for those of you less inclined to mathematics, a trip of four days in length, means 20 letters that Ryan and I write for the girls to open. The 6 yro was so pleased to have this responsibility, and she performed it exceptionally well, so I am told.
I love writing the letters, even though I tend to wait until the last minute, and suffer from writer's cramp for the first few hours of the trip. They help me to think outside of my self and remember the activities that the girls will be participating in while we are away. Additionally, they are great ways to remind them to look for ways to serve their grandparents, instead of just basking in the lap of luxury the whole time.
Recently, the letters have taken flight and Ryan and I have walked away with letters of our own from our oldest girls to open everyday of our trip. Our second oldest has taken a shine to the fun of surprising us with them. Her clever wit and attention to detail have come to the surface in these letters, and we enjoy this new medium of communicating with her.
Just another peak into the strange ways of the Zwemkes. We find the letters have helped the younger children to handle the time apart more peaceably. I would love to hear of traditions that others have during times of separation.
As the girls have matured, I have been able to assign them certain duties to ease the load off of Nana. (It's no small thing to send five girls to someone's home to care for them, and I have no intention of wearing my welcome out there!) For example, the second oldest has been in charge of handing out all the vitamins for the past two trips. This year the oldest has been gracious enough to take on the 3 yro; dressing her, and putting her to bed, and intercepting any night-time needs. These girls are such blessings to us in the way they serve the family.
This year the 6yro took on a very special duty. She was in charge of handing out the letters. I'm not exactly sure when this tradition started, but somewhere along the line we started writing EACH of the girls a letter for EACH of the days we are gone. So for those of you less inclined to mathematics, a trip of four days in length, means 20 letters that Ryan and I write for the girls to open. The 6 yro was so pleased to have this responsibility, and she performed it exceptionally well, so I am told.
I love writing the letters, even though I tend to wait until the last minute, and suffer from writer's cramp for the first few hours of the trip. They help me to think outside of my self and remember the activities that the girls will be participating in while we are away. Additionally, they are great ways to remind them to look for ways to serve their grandparents, instead of just basking in the lap of luxury the whole time.
Recently, the letters have taken flight and Ryan and I have walked away with letters of our own from our oldest girls to open everyday of our trip. Our second oldest has taken a shine to the fun of surprising us with them. Her clever wit and attention to detail have come to the surface in these letters, and we enjoy this new medium of communicating with her.
Just another peak into the strange ways of the Zwemkes. We find the letters have helped the younger children to handle the time apart more peaceably. I would love to hear of traditions that others have during times of separation.
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