Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Tattling, Destructor of Sibling Relationships and the Seeds of Pride in the Heart

   Someone has broken a rule, and you didn't see it, but a pair of little eyes did.  She comes to tell you how her sister has broken the rule, and the desire to deliver swift justice is clouded by a dirty feeling that something doesn't ring true with the scenario. You talk with the offending child to find that indeed she did break the rules, and as the punishment is dealt out, her sickening sideways glance to the tattling sister makes your heart hurt.  The sibling's relationship has been dealt a hard, treacherous blow.  You feel the injustice and suddenly realize how to make things right.  You deal out punishment to the tattler as well, for seeking to get her sister in trouble, and for acting with authority where she had none.
   Here is the unspoken truth that we've all known since our childhood: tattling is different from telling.  Telling is motivated from a desire to keep another from hurting themselves or others. Tattling comes from the secret seeds of pride in the heart, that desires another's demise in order to make oneself look better.  If you allow tattling among your children, then you are sowing the seeds of disunity between siblings and allowing the weeds of pride to grow strong in the heart of the tattler.  This is the reason that we hold to a strict policy of tattlers receiving punishment along with the offending sibling. (There have been times when the tattler's punishment was worse than the offending child's, especially if the tattler has a bad habit of tattling. Sometimes we have even said, that since we didn't see the offense, we won't punish the offending sibling, while still punishing the tattler. In those times, we also warn the offending sibling that we will discipline them if we do catch them in the act.  We are big believers that things done in secret will be brought to light, it's just a matter of time.)
  There have been occasional times that we have asked an older sibling to come along side us in the training of a younger child, by giving them the authority to tell us if the younger sibling is doing the behavior we are trying to train out of her.  Then, that older child has been given our authority to help us in training a difficult to see trait, or behavior.  For example, we might ask the older sibling that shares the room with the toddler who has just moved out of her crib, to tell us if the toddler got out of bed without permission.  These times are usually for a short season, and give us a chance to train our older children in the arts of child training for their future lives as well.  (We teach them the graces of not lording over the younger child, but taking on the desire to see her succeed by gently helping her along.)
  We do allow telling, in that a child may tell us when they think a sister is doing or about to do something that would cause her harm, like jumping from too high a height, etc.  But as discussed before, this is a very different thing from tattling.  There is a disgust in all stages of life for the one that goes to the authority to defame a peer.  Very few societies have tolerance for such betrayal, and I have seen many sibling relationships greatly damaged by parents who allow it.  In response to many who have asked us how to build unity and lessen fighting among siblings, I would encourage the intolerance of tattling, by dealing out swift punishment for the tattler.
  It not only affects the sibling unity, but it corrodes the heart of the tattler, as well. She begins to believe that she is better than her sisters, and the seeds of pride grow.  All too easily she becomes more interested in finding the faults in others, instead of busily working to rid herself of her own. After careful practice, she will easily miss the plank in her own eye, while diligently seeking to point out the speck in her sister's. And as she grows, she will resemble the busybody that so many of us know in our lives.
  The heart of the child is a garden, and the wise parent will diligently tend it.