Up at the crack of dawn, exercise, make breakfast, pack lunch for hubby, kiss hubby goodbye, clean sticky hands, ignore dust build-up, email, schedule, oversee and teach four grades worth of school, attack mountain of laundry without making a dent, intervene before older sister kills younger one for singing the same three phrases of a song for the 30th time, make lunch, and plan for dinner, clip coupons, tuck 4yro into bed for nap....you get the picture. Our days as mothers are full of serving and caring for those who seem unable to function without our help. It's easy to think that every need is immediate and of extreme importance...perhaps the tone of desperation with which we hear our name being called on so frequent a basis makes it more difficult for us to truly assess the real level of need. Sometimes we just want the noise and chaos to stop, and so we will do whatever it takes to make the peace return to the universe of our home. By the end of the day, we are DONE, emotionally and physically exhausted, and yet, there is someone else who needs us. Someone who looks vaguely familiar, in fact you can almost remember how the two of you started on this journey together, so energetic and excited.
With all its challenges and demands it has still been everything you hoped for and envisioned. The two of you knew that this raising of a family would be hard work, and would require a dying to self...although HOW much dying was not even possible for you to imagine at the time. Perhaps you start and end your day with no more than a few minutes of conversation...sometimes it even happens when you are BOTH at home all day. So busy with the children and their training, it is a simple thing to put the needs of the other capable-adult-in-the-home on the back-burner. A heavy strain may begin to burden the relationship that was once so free and easy.
May I suggest that we all take a little time to build a protective wall around the foundation of the family, our marriages. Even more than your time with them, your children need to know that their world is secure because the relationship between Mom and Dad is strong. When we remind our children that our spouse comes first in our heart and actions, they have a sense of peace that gives them confidence in all that they attempt and explore.
So how do we practically build that protective foundation? One of the ways that we are trying to build that protective barrier is by teaching the children not to interrupt. I think there is a built in homing device that goes off inside children when they see their mother giving her full attention to someone else. They come to you with every little thing, and having not yet developed a sense of timing or awareness of others they start talking to you before they even enter the room. A little training to stop and wait, or the simple, "Papa is talking to Mama right now" should be the taught sign for them to put a cork in it and give you a minute to concentrate on your husband. He needs to know that you care about what he is saying, and not all men are able to get their thoughts into words easily...for some it may be this moment, or never. If he feels like you are too divided to listen to him, you may not get another opportunity to share that thought again. So don't be afraid to train your children in waiting, and also in understanding the TRUE definition of "it's an EMERGENCY!"...this should be used if someone is bleeding, losing a limb, or someone is in extreme danger.
Another way to help in this area is to have a bedtime that is fairly firm. The older children can go to their rooms for quiet reading/playing before lights-out. But at the end of the day, it is such a joy to have a few minutes of quiet, to unwind, and have some needed conversations with your spouse. The occasional late night with the kids to watch a movie or play a game is so fun, but on average, I have found that I need that time to be off duty long enough to catch my thoughts and have a few minutes to talk with my man.
Romance is a demanding plant, it requires time and thoughtful creativity to keep it fresh and inviting. Regular date nights, even if they are at home, can be a great way to keep the fire kindled. Become a full time student of your man, his favorite treats, relaxing activities, coffee preference, etc. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you have discovered all there is to know about him. Find a new game to learn how to play together...cards, computer...whatever. Recently, Ryan and I played Words with Friends on our iphones, which meant that we could play the game throughout the workday, or even in the same room...silly, but fun. And, no matter how tired you are...try to save some energy for late night fun together. ;)
I would love to hear some of the ways you work to put your marriage first while raising kids...we can all use some tips in this area.
No comments:
Post a Comment