Excuse me for moment while I adjust my soap box. You see, just the other week we received a phone call from our church stating that the signs for our Kindemusik business were being collected and thrown into the back of a county truck only to be hauled off to the dump. We were a tad confused because my husband had called the county and asked if a permit was needed and what laws and rules there were in posting a sign on the property where we conducted our business. We were given the go ahead, and for months our signs had stood and directed folks our way...until two weeks ago. What changed? Apparently the law changed, and ours were not the only signs picked up by the authorities. Many other small businesses were set back by this change in policy. Was a notice given to the business owners? We received none, and this with our phone number ON THE SIGN. How difficult would it be to call the owner and tell them that they had 24 hours to comply with the change in the law?
My husband was less than thrilled, to put it mildly. We are not a large business, and I am sure that you are all aware of our sluggish economy. It doesn't seem logical to set back small businesses in a time when people are going the extra mile to make a go of it. After taking careful precaution to comply to all the laws regarding a business and advertising, it was particularly upsetting to find that we had trespassed a law we didn't know existed. Even less so when my husband had to go down to the office and acquire papers allowing him to go down to the dump and retrieve his own signs...and could only find one of the two.
I hope you are all burning with the righteous indignation that comes from one who desires to do the right thing but is unable to do so because the rules secretly changed. But don't we, as parents, sometimes do this to our children? Imagine the frustration of a toddler when she finds that she has crossed an unknown line while out in public. How helpful it would have been to take a minute before going into the store to clearly explain your expectations for her behavior! (ie, do not whine for me to buy you something, do not touch things in the store, do not stand in the cart, etc.) Perhaps then she would have known how to behave instead of finding it out by default. Perhaps a minute of pause before entering the birthday party to explain the proper social etiquette to your child would prevent the embarrassing situation of her unknowingly stealing the spotlight from the birthday girl. We have been known to practice how one behaves at a birthday party, both as the birthday girl and as the guest. It is a lovely thing when you see your child look up with confidence to thank the giver for the present they are opening.
Even teenagers need to have the expected behavior laid out plainly and simply for them. Nothing is more frustrating than to find that you have disappointed a parent by behaving in an embarrassing manner, only to be called selfish and self-centered later. Even the most willing of teens will begin to withdraw if this pattern repeats itself enough times. They certainly will not proceed with the confidence that their parents are proud of them and support their efforts in learning to be responsible and productive young adults.
So in some ways, this little upset in our business life has given us pause to remember the importance of clearly communicating our expectations to our children. How's that for a silver lining?
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Protecting the Foundation
Up at the crack of dawn, exercise, make breakfast, pack lunch for hubby, kiss hubby goodbye, clean sticky hands, ignore dust build-up, email, schedule, oversee and teach four grades worth of school, attack mountain of laundry without making a dent, intervene before older sister kills younger one for singing the same three phrases of a song for the 30th time, make lunch, and plan for dinner, clip coupons, tuck 4yro into bed for nap....you get the picture. Our days as mothers are full of serving and caring for those who seem unable to function without our help. It's easy to think that every need is immediate and of extreme importance...perhaps the tone of desperation with which we hear our name being called on so frequent a basis makes it more difficult for us to truly assess the real level of need. Sometimes we just want the noise and chaos to stop, and so we will do whatever it takes to make the peace return to the universe of our home. By the end of the day, we are DONE, emotionally and physically exhausted, and yet, there is someone else who needs us. Someone who looks vaguely familiar, in fact you can almost remember how the two of you started on this journey together, so energetic and excited.
With all its challenges and demands it has still been everything you hoped for and envisioned. The two of you knew that this raising of a family would be hard work, and would require a dying to self...although HOW much dying was not even possible for you to imagine at the time. Perhaps you start and end your day with no more than a few minutes of conversation...sometimes it even happens when you are BOTH at home all day. So busy with the children and their training, it is a simple thing to put the needs of the other capable-adult-in-the-home on the back-burner. A heavy strain may begin to burden the relationship that was once so free and easy.
May I suggest that we all take a little time to build a protective wall around the foundation of the family, our marriages. Even more than your time with them, your children need to know that their world is secure because the relationship between Mom and Dad is strong. When we remind our children that our spouse comes first in our heart and actions, they have a sense of peace that gives them confidence in all that they attempt and explore.
So how do we practically build that protective foundation? One of the ways that we are trying to build that protective barrier is by teaching the children not to interrupt. I think there is a built in homing device that goes off inside children when they see their mother giving her full attention to someone else. They come to you with every little thing, and having not yet developed a sense of timing or awareness of others they start talking to you before they even enter the room. A little training to stop and wait, or the simple, "Papa is talking to Mama right now" should be the taught sign for them to put a cork in it and give you a minute to concentrate on your husband. He needs to know that you care about what he is saying, and not all men are able to get their thoughts into words easily...for some it may be this moment, or never. If he feels like you are too divided to listen to him, you may not get another opportunity to share that thought again. So don't be afraid to train your children in waiting, and also in understanding the TRUE definition of "it's an EMERGENCY!"...this should be used if someone is bleeding, losing a limb, or someone is in extreme danger.
Another way to help in this area is to have a bedtime that is fairly firm. The older children can go to their rooms for quiet reading/playing before lights-out. But at the end of the day, it is such a joy to have a few minutes of quiet, to unwind, and have some needed conversations with your spouse. The occasional late night with the kids to watch a movie or play a game is so fun, but on average, I have found that I need that time to be off duty long enough to catch my thoughts and have a few minutes to talk with my man.
Romance is a demanding plant, it requires time and thoughtful creativity to keep it fresh and inviting. Regular date nights, even if they are at home, can be a great way to keep the fire kindled. Become a full time student of your man, his favorite treats, relaxing activities, coffee preference, etc. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you have discovered all there is to know about him. Find a new game to learn how to play together...cards, computer...whatever. Recently, Ryan and I played Words with Friends on our iphones, which meant that we could play the game throughout the workday, or even in the same room...silly, but fun. And, no matter how tired you are...try to save some energy for late night fun together. ;)
I would love to hear some of the ways you work to put your marriage first while raising kids...we can all use some tips in this area.
With all its challenges and demands it has still been everything you hoped for and envisioned. The two of you knew that this raising of a family would be hard work, and would require a dying to self...although HOW much dying was not even possible for you to imagine at the time. Perhaps you start and end your day with no more than a few minutes of conversation...sometimes it even happens when you are BOTH at home all day. So busy with the children and their training, it is a simple thing to put the needs of the other capable-adult-in-the-home on the back-burner. A heavy strain may begin to burden the relationship that was once so free and easy.
May I suggest that we all take a little time to build a protective wall around the foundation of the family, our marriages. Even more than your time with them, your children need to know that their world is secure because the relationship between Mom and Dad is strong. When we remind our children that our spouse comes first in our heart and actions, they have a sense of peace that gives them confidence in all that they attempt and explore.
So how do we practically build that protective foundation? One of the ways that we are trying to build that protective barrier is by teaching the children not to interrupt. I think there is a built in homing device that goes off inside children when they see their mother giving her full attention to someone else. They come to you with every little thing, and having not yet developed a sense of timing or awareness of others they start talking to you before they even enter the room. A little training to stop and wait, or the simple, "Papa is talking to Mama right now" should be the taught sign for them to put a cork in it and give you a minute to concentrate on your husband. He needs to know that you care about what he is saying, and not all men are able to get their thoughts into words easily...for some it may be this moment, or never. If he feels like you are too divided to listen to him, you may not get another opportunity to share that thought again. So don't be afraid to train your children in waiting, and also in understanding the TRUE definition of "it's an EMERGENCY!"...this should be used if someone is bleeding, losing a limb, or someone is in extreme danger.
Another way to help in this area is to have a bedtime that is fairly firm. The older children can go to their rooms for quiet reading/playing before lights-out. But at the end of the day, it is such a joy to have a few minutes of quiet, to unwind, and have some needed conversations with your spouse. The occasional late night with the kids to watch a movie or play a game is so fun, but on average, I have found that I need that time to be off duty long enough to catch my thoughts and have a few minutes to talk with my man.
Romance is a demanding plant, it requires time and thoughtful creativity to keep it fresh and inviting. Regular date nights, even if they are at home, can be a great way to keep the fire kindled. Become a full time student of your man, his favorite treats, relaxing activities, coffee preference, etc. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you have discovered all there is to know about him. Find a new game to learn how to play together...cards, computer...whatever. Recently, Ryan and I played Words with Friends on our iphones, which meant that we could play the game throughout the workday, or even in the same room...silly, but fun. And, no matter how tired you are...try to save some energy for late night fun together. ;)
I would love to hear some of the ways you work to put your marriage first while raising kids...we can all use some tips in this area.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Move Over Bacon...
So I realize that any family with kids goes through a certain amount of transition when school ends and summer starts. There is an awkward sense of freedom, accompanied by a weak sense of structure that will sustain a family for a couple of days before the "I'm Bored" mantra begins. Our family goes through a degree of this in the first week of summer vacation, but it is not that transition that rocks my world. Oh no, there is another one that happens only in families where there is a parent who is a teacher.
You see summer for our family means wonderful freedom and fun for the kids, and also the excitement of having my wonderful husband around for two months. This is something we all look forward to the whole year round, and when it comes it is such a blessing, except for one little hiccup. You see for 10 months out the year, I am the master of the home during the day, and run things according to my style and pleasure, but come summer, there is a sudden switch of master in the day-time routine. It is a good thing, and I am definitely one to step out of the way, but it sometimes catches me off guard.
For example, I may have planned how I thought the day would run, only to come out of our room to find my husband re-organizing the homeschool bookshelf. I wasn't mentally prepared for that task, and now must clear my mind to help him in the newly scheduled day. It is not a bad thing, just not the thing I planned to do with that moment. I can chose to fight it, but what good would that do? In the end, I know I am called to be my husband's help-meet, and therefore would really be picking a fight with God because I didn't get my own way, even if it was about something that I didn't value in the first place. Were my plans for the day SO dear to me? Not truly, but the fact that they were mine and under my control ...well that part may have been a little too dear to admit at the time. It may not show itself outwardly, but there is an inward struggle as I learn to follow a new flow for the next two months.
Unfortunately, I tend to have this same trouble with God year round. How often do I make plans for my life, as if it were mine to plan? Gal 2:20 reminds me that I am no longer my own, but have been bought at a price. So who is bending to whom here? It is not for me to demand of God how I would like my life to turn out: what kind of home I would like, what kind of children I would want, or how many children I would want, or ...well you get the idea.
I need to learn to clear my schedule for the day (figuratively speaking) and be prepared for the distractions and interruptions, as we would see them, that God may have planned for me to attend to. Perhaps it is the putting aside of my ever-so-important tasks, to attend to the heart of my child. The one who is hovering behind me, waiting to tell me her thoughts and struggles. Lord, make me aware to your schedule so I do not miss the narrow window of a view into my child's spirit. If she sees that I am ever-so-busy, those open-heart opportunities will grow fewer and fewer until we sit at a table in a restaurant during her college years with nothing to talk about.
So I am transitioning with my home and with my heart. I can go down gracefully, and show an honoring example to my daughters, who are quick to imitate, or I can go down kicking and screaming. That choice is still mine, and I pray for the wisdom to chose the former.
You see summer for our family means wonderful freedom and fun for the kids, and also the excitement of having my wonderful husband around for two months. This is something we all look forward to the whole year round, and when it comes it is such a blessing, except for one little hiccup. You see for 10 months out the year, I am the master of the home during the day, and run things according to my style and pleasure, but come summer, there is a sudden switch of master in the day-time routine. It is a good thing, and I am definitely one to step out of the way, but it sometimes catches me off guard.
For example, I may have planned how I thought the day would run, only to come out of our room to find my husband re-organizing the homeschool bookshelf. I wasn't mentally prepared for that task, and now must clear my mind to help him in the newly scheduled day. It is not a bad thing, just not the thing I planned to do with that moment. I can chose to fight it, but what good would that do? In the end, I know I am called to be my husband's help-meet, and therefore would really be picking a fight with God because I didn't get my own way, even if it was about something that I didn't value in the first place. Were my plans for the day SO dear to me? Not truly, but the fact that they were mine and under my control ...well that part may have been a little too dear to admit at the time. It may not show itself outwardly, but there is an inward struggle as I learn to follow a new flow for the next two months.
Unfortunately, I tend to have this same trouble with God year round. How often do I make plans for my life, as if it were mine to plan? Gal 2:20 reminds me that I am no longer my own, but have been bought at a price. So who is bending to whom here? It is not for me to demand of God how I would like my life to turn out: what kind of home I would like, what kind of children I would want, or how many children I would want, or ...well you get the idea.
I need to learn to clear my schedule for the day (figuratively speaking) and be prepared for the distractions and interruptions, as we would see them, that God may have planned for me to attend to. Perhaps it is the putting aside of my ever-so-important tasks, to attend to the heart of my child. The one who is hovering behind me, waiting to tell me her thoughts and struggles. Lord, make me aware to your schedule so I do not miss the narrow window of a view into my child's spirit. If she sees that I am ever-so-busy, those open-heart opportunities will grow fewer and fewer until we sit at a table in a restaurant during her college years with nothing to talk about.
So I am transitioning with my home and with my heart. I can go down gracefully, and show an honoring example to my daughters, who are quick to imitate, or I can go down kicking and screaming. That choice is still mine, and I pray for the wisdom to chose the former.
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