Somewhere on the path of my life, I grew up with the ever-so-popular idea that good people go to Heaven, and bad people go to Hell. You can imagine my shock around the age of seventeen when I encountered scriptures in the Bible that read: (Rom 3:10) "As it is written: "THERE IS NONE RIGHTEOUS, NO, NOT ONE;" and (Rom 3:23)..." for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,". Just hold on! You mean that no one is "good" in the sight of God? Everyone is bad? Even people who dedicate their whole lives to serving others, like Mother Theresa? But surely their goodness outweighs their bad-ness, right? I don't know about you, but I had a little "moral scales" in my head, and up until really understanding the above scriptures, I had simply assumed that God, like me, (and well, almost everyone I could think of), was just weighing all our actions. And if we tipped over to the good side when we died, we got the golden ticket into the everlasting cool place.
Apparently, that is not how God set things up, at least according to the Bible. I had to be honest with myself. I fit into the "no, not one" and "all have sinned" category. In fact, I was all too aware of my shortcomings, my faults, my blatant disregard for the commandments of God. I could feel myself slipping down a steep incline, and I began to feel the panic of one who cannot save herself. I began to read the Bible in search of answers, in search of hope.
As you read the Gospels, you cannot help but examine Jesus' behavior with the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the scum of society, and contrast it with how He interacts with the religious leaders, and those who had a high, respected standing in the community. With the sinners, He is gentle as He teaches them about salvation and repentance, but with the religious leaders He is harsh, calling them to examine themselves more closely. What is it that Jesus is seeing in the two groups? What is it that He values most? It is not how high they were born, or their education, or even religious knowledge. He didn't see one group as good and the other as bad, for as we have seen above, He knows that they are all "bad", all sinners. No, after careful examination, the difference between the two groups is a repentant/broken heart, and a self-righteous prideful heart.
As parents, we know that our young child has broken our command, yet what makes it worse is when she tries to cover it up and act innocent, when you both know she is guilty. You cannot begin to train her until she admits her own need for correction. When she acknowledges you as parent, as authority.
It is the same between us and God. Psa 34:18 says. "The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit." Ah, here we find the beginnings of hope for all of us in the "no, not one" category. God said that even the breaking of one of His commandments, no matter how small must be paid for in blood, more specifically with death. Rom 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." So the penalty must be paid. And if we are all guilty, then we all have a debt owed.
Then the beauty of the whole thing comes to life. What if someone, completely righteous....well, but no...no one is righteous....except for God Himself! What if God Himself, came to Earth as man, lived a sinless life, and then willingly laid down His life as the penalty for my (our) sin? Then the eternal life mentioned in Romans 6:23 above, would truly be a gift from God, not something I could earn with my "moral scales" idea. He would, in effect, be offering me His righteousness as a gift to cover over and justify my own sins.
But wouldn't I have to admit I was wrong, to get to the place of accepting this gift? I mean, only those who realize they are sick, seek a cure, right? Those who think they are already such good people, might secretly think they are impressing God with all their goodness, much like the religious leaders of long ago. God, like the parent of the unruly child donning an innocent face, wants the heart, and not some outward facade of holiness.
So I had to reach the place of brokenness and need before I would seek the hope handed me through the gift of Jesus. He was gentle in leading me to this place of hope, and He showed me how to accept the gift: Rom 10:9 ..."that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."
I would like to encourage you to stop viewing people as good or bad, and to see us all as sinners in need of redemption. Those who have found redemption are simply like the beggar hoping to show other beggars where the food is located.
I know I have breached the politics and religion faux pas of topical conversation, but how could I love you and not share the Truth.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Spoonfed Education
Ever wonder why our public education system in America has been on a steady decline since the 60's? What is it that seems to undermine every new idea and innovative policy passed down from Congress to stimulate the scores of our students? Well, there are several cracks in the foundation of our public education system, but it is my opinion that nothing will change until we take strides to transform our views about who is responsible to educate our future generations. No, I am NOT going to make a plug for homeschooling...this time. But, until we can pass the responsibility to learn from the teachers to the students, we will not see much in the way of educational reform.
I have watched the past ten years as the government passed down frantic new programs in hopes of stimulating learning through teacher incentives and consequences. Perhaps I missed it, but I haven't seen any successful progress. Instead, I see a bunch of pressured teachers who are so frightened of losing their jobs in this market that they are willing to lose their character and cheat on the scores for their students' standardized testing, like we have seen in our Atlanta city schools.
Until we make it clear that the responsibility to learn lies with the student and not the teacher, we will not see things change in our education system. We do a great disservice to our future generations by allowing them to think they did poorly in a subject because they had a lousy teacher. No doubt, a good teacher goes a long way to making learning fun and exciting, and even easy, but learning is not solely in the hands of those who teach. If a student believes she is in charge of her own education, then she in empowered to rise above the less-than-average teacher. She will seek outside help and information. She will become what our society sorely needs and almost always heralds, in the adult phase of life. She will become an INDEPENDENT LEARNER, a SELF-STARTER.
I'll never forget what a shock it was for me to go to England during my high school years. I was there for about two years, starting in the middle of my Freshmen year. Education is run differently in the U.K. than in the States. I had just come from Texas, where things were moving along just fine. I had straight A's my first semester. There was a rhythm to the six week sessions run in the Texas system. I had learned how to make that system work for me, but true learning and effort had not really been asked of me yet. No, that was not required of me until I left the States.
In England, I had entered in a trimester late in a two year learning situation. In those two years we kept the same teachers, classes, and subjects. At the end of the two years, we were to take written exams, two of them per course, and some exams lasting three to four hours in length. Right before the exams, we were given some time...I can hardly remember now, but I think it was six weeks, without classes to simply study for the exams...no teachers, just study time. Whatever we got on our exams, plus a portion of our yearly work would be our grades for the past two years. I was handed a syllabus at the beginning of class and I was expected to remember when things were due, without reminders. (Quite shocking for me, I can tell you.) I had to keep track of when our mock exams were coming, and I had to learn on my own, beyond the material handed to me, if I was going to pass and get credit for two years worth of learning. I had to get books, on my own, that would help me prepare for the exams. I had to organize my time, and hold down a part-time job at the same time. I say all this to show that we do not require enough from our students at an early enough age. It is not the teachers who gave me an education, although they guided me and helped me along the way, but ultimately they communicated that I was the responsible party to educate myself and prepare for my future independence.
Now, in this country, we do not ask that level commitment from our students until college. Perhaps we think they are too immature to take on that responsibility. But, often times, we create unprepared students who cannot handle the university situation. What do we create for our society when we allow students to believe that the teachers are responsible for our learning? What does a parent do for her child when she puts the blame on the teacher for her child's poor grades? (Certainly there are circumstances where a teacher was unfair, or graded with partiality, but even that teacher cannot prevent a child who is self-motivated from learning in spite of her grade.) We produce a generation who believes they are owed something. That their performance is in the hands of someone else. Later on if they don't perform well at work, well it transfers that they have a lousy boss, and the blame can be passed to him.
But we can do something for our next generation, despite the newest congressional push for reform in testing. We as parents and adults can encourage and show the way to our students. We can give our kids the tools to rise above their circumstances and take control of their education. Getting involved early-on can make all the difference. Don't let the school day be the end of learning. Find supplemental materials to play with and experiment with at home. Without a love and interest for learning, you will always be applying outside pressure to get a result, but when the student becomes infected with the love of learning, you won't be able to stop her. Go to museums, watch interesting educational shows...but most importantly, find out what interests your child and run with it.
Recently I sat down with my 7th grader and 5th grader, and I asked them to make a list of things they are interested in learning more about. The 7th grader's list was: "Drawing, Modern History, Animals and Bugs, Computer Programming, Legends of Varying Cultures, and Herbs. The 10 yr old's list was: "Ballet, How to Make a Computer, Computer Programing, The Way Stuff is Made, Books, Animals, and Research." America's kids want to learn more than movies, and video games, and pop music....if we let them.
My 7th grader loves the idea of survival living. She loves to research and find out what plants are edible, and she experiments with it. She has asked for an herbalist class/book/dvd set to help her in her study of Botany (call it what it is, and suddenly it is more than a kid just getting grubby in the mud). My 5th grader is fascinated with computers. I found a free program from M.I.T. that helps kids get the basic ideas down for computer programming. She, and her "botany" sister, have begun to invent and create their own video games, complete with original graphics and story line. Our children's play is their business, and their learning is never ceasing unless we tell them that they can only learn when being spoonfed.
I have watched the past ten years as the government passed down frantic new programs in hopes of stimulating learning through teacher incentives and consequences. Perhaps I missed it, but I haven't seen any successful progress. Instead, I see a bunch of pressured teachers who are so frightened of losing their jobs in this market that they are willing to lose their character and cheat on the scores for their students' standardized testing, like we have seen in our Atlanta city schools.
Until we make it clear that the responsibility to learn lies with the student and not the teacher, we will not see things change in our education system. We do a great disservice to our future generations by allowing them to think they did poorly in a subject because they had a lousy teacher. No doubt, a good teacher goes a long way to making learning fun and exciting, and even easy, but learning is not solely in the hands of those who teach. If a student believes she is in charge of her own education, then she in empowered to rise above the less-than-average teacher. She will seek outside help and information. She will become what our society sorely needs and almost always heralds, in the adult phase of life. She will become an INDEPENDENT LEARNER, a SELF-STARTER.
I'll never forget what a shock it was for me to go to England during my high school years. I was there for about two years, starting in the middle of my Freshmen year. Education is run differently in the U.K. than in the States. I had just come from Texas, where things were moving along just fine. I had straight A's my first semester. There was a rhythm to the six week sessions run in the Texas system. I had learned how to make that system work for me, but true learning and effort had not really been asked of me yet. No, that was not required of me until I left the States.
In England, I had entered in a trimester late in a two year learning situation. In those two years we kept the same teachers, classes, and subjects. At the end of the two years, we were to take written exams, two of them per course, and some exams lasting three to four hours in length. Right before the exams, we were given some time...I can hardly remember now, but I think it was six weeks, without classes to simply study for the exams...no teachers, just study time. Whatever we got on our exams, plus a portion of our yearly work would be our grades for the past two years. I was handed a syllabus at the beginning of class and I was expected to remember when things were due, without reminders. (Quite shocking for me, I can tell you.) I had to keep track of when our mock exams were coming, and I had to learn on my own, beyond the material handed to me, if I was going to pass and get credit for two years worth of learning. I had to get books, on my own, that would help me prepare for the exams. I had to organize my time, and hold down a part-time job at the same time. I say all this to show that we do not require enough from our students at an early enough age. It is not the teachers who gave me an education, although they guided me and helped me along the way, but ultimately they communicated that I was the responsible party to educate myself and prepare for my future independence.
Now, in this country, we do not ask that level commitment from our students until college. Perhaps we think they are too immature to take on that responsibility. But, often times, we create unprepared students who cannot handle the university situation. What do we create for our society when we allow students to believe that the teachers are responsible for our learning? What does a parent do for her child when she puts the blame on the teacher for her child's poor grades? (Certainly there are circumstances where a teacher was unfair, or graded with partiality, but even that teacher cannot prevent a child who is self-motivated from learning in spite of her grade.) We produce a generation who believes they are owed something. That their performance is in the hands of someone else. Later on if they don't perform well at work, well it transfers that they have a lousy boss, and the blame can be passed to him.
But we can do something for our next generation, despite the newest congressional push for reform in testing. We as parents and adults can encourage and show the way to our students. We can give our kids the tools to rise above their circumstances and take control of their education. Getting involved early-on can make all the difference. Don't let the school day be the end of learning. Find supplemental materials to play with and experiment with at home. Without a love and interest for learning, you will always be applying outside pressure to get a result, but when the student becomes infected with the love of learning, you won't be able to stop her. Go to museums, watch interesting educational shows...but most importantly, find out what interests your child and run with it.
Recently I sat down with my 7th grader and 5th grader, and I asked them to make a list of things they are interested in learning more about. The 7th grader's list was: "Drawing, Modern History, Animals and Bugs, Computer Programming, Legends of Varying Cultures, and Herbs. The 10 yr old's list was: "Ballet, How to Make a Computer, Computer Programing, The Way Stuff is Made, Books, Animals, and Research." America's kids want to learn more than movies, and video games, and pop music....if we let them.
My 7th grader loves the idea of survival living. She loves to research and find out what plants are edible, and she experiments with it. She has asked for an herbalist class/book/dvd set to help her in her study of Botany (call it what it is, and suddenly it is more than a kid just getting grubby in the mud). My 5th grader is fascinated with computers. I found a free program from M.I.T. that helps kids get the basic ideas down for computer programming. She, and her "botany" sister, have begun to invent and create their own video games, complete with original graphics and story line. Our children's play is their business, and their learning is never ceasing unless we tell them that they can only learn when being spoonfed.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Coming Out of a Fog
My husband and I just celebrated our thirteenth anniversary. While we were driving away to our hotel, we began to discuss all that has past so far. We realized that in that time I have been extremely busy laying the foundation for our five daughters. Many a day, week, or even month would pass without me truly digging into the Word of God in my quiet time. Sure I would listen to sermons, or read a quick devotional, or simply repeat one or two Bible verses in my head to keep me going, but I had become lax in studying and being still before God. I would go from morning to night attending to the needs of the many little ones in my care. Prayer while working, became my new mode of communication with God...or a least a last minute plea to restrain me from letting my flesh take control in a frustrating moment of training our daughters. How easy it is to heap guilt upon your heart when you let a discipline slide, much less a spiritual discipline. But in those "survival mode" years, I learned to lay my guilt at the feet of the Lord, and to bask in His grace that is constant, regardless of my performance.
We have truly been blessed to have the written Word of God at our fingertips, but for thousands of years those who walked with God did so without that luxury. Many a faithful follower today sit imprisoned for their faith, with no Bible to comfort them. It is possible to carry on a truthful and full relationship with God without daily Bible readings. Like I mentioned before, daily Bible study is a spiritual discipline, and not the actual relationship with God in and of itself. But the lack of consistently studying the Word takes its toll over time. It leaves us more subject to being lured by the world's thinking, or more easily led astray by false teaching. For myself, I become weak to resisting the call to gauge my life by my possessions or achievements. I become weak to the idea that I need "me" time...and eventually I try to pick up my life as my own, instead of living as one who has been bought at a price and who belongs to Another.
This summer has been like a lifting of the spiritual fog I have felt for the past couple of years. This is the second year that we have participated in the National Bible Bee as a family. What an incredible opportunity to memorize the Scriptures, and to teach your children how to study the Bible. In addition to the many Bible verses each age group memorizes, the families all study the same book of the Bible. This summer we are studying through the book of 1 Peter. They teach you how to do an inductive Bible study, reading over the whole book several times and studying the history, geography and author before taking a closer look, chapter by chapter and verse by verse (and looking up the original Greek in Strongs Concordance). So for those looking to teach their children in the spiritual disciplines of Bible study, prayer (they go through the whole A.C.T.S prayer model), and scripture memory, along with great ideas and prompts for applying the Word of God in your life and in your child's life, I can't recommend this summer challenge enough! It has been so helpful to have this program to help pass along the skills and disciplines I learned in college, and at the appropriate age level, too.
As my children mature, I am finding the time to sit still is returning to my life. The time to think, pause, pray and study is slowly creeping back into the daily schedule of things. I can see the foundation we have been laying with the girls is paying off for them, and us, as I work myself out of a job, with each girl growing in her ability to help around the house and to help with her younger sisters. I am thankful for those "survival mode" years, and I am glad that God is gracious.
The following passage of scripture describes the fog, and lifting of it in my heart:
Psa 119:25-50
"My soul clings to the dust; Revive me according to Your word.
I have declared my ways, and You answered me; Teach me Your statutes.
Make me understand the way of Your precepts; So shall I meditate on Your wonderful works.
My soul melts from heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your word.
Remove from me the way of lying, And grant me Your law graciously.
I have chosen the way of truth; Your judgments I have laid before me.
I cling to Your testimonies; O LORD, do not put me to shame!
I will run the course of Your commandments, For You shall enlarge my heart.
Teach me, O LORD, the way of Your statutes, And I shall keep it to the end.
Give me understanding, and I shall keep Your law; Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart.
Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, For I delight in it.
Incline my heart to Your testimonies, And not to covetousness.
Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, And revive me in Your way.
Establish Your word to Your servant, Who is devoted to fearing You.
Turn away my reproach which I dread, For Your judgments are good.
Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me in Your righteousness.
Let Your mercies come also to me, O LORD— Your salvation according to Your word.
So shall I have an answer for him who reproaches me, For I trust in Your word.
And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth, For I have hoped in Your ordinances.
So shall I keep Your law continually, Forever and ever.
And I will walk at liberty, For I seek Your precepts.
I will speak of Your testimonies also before kings, And will not be ashamed.
And I will delight myself in Your commandments, Which I love.
My hands also I will lift up to Your commandments, Which I love, And I will meditate on Your statutes.
Remember the word to Your servant, Upon which You have caused me to hope.
This is my comfort in my affliction, For Your word has given me life."
We have truly been blessed to have the written Word of God at our fingertips, but for thousands of years those who walked with God did so without that luxury. Many a faithful follower today sit imprisoned for their faith, with no Bible to comfort them. It is possible to carry on a truthful and full relationship with God without daily Bible readings. Like I mentioned before, daily Bible study is a spiritual discipline, and not the actual relationship with God in and of itself. But the lack of consistently studying the Word takes its toll over time. It leaves us more subject to being lured by the world's thinking, or more easily led astray by false teaching. For myself, I become weak to resisting the call to gauge my life by my possessions or achievements. I become weak to the idea that I need "me" time...and eventually I try to pick up my life as my own, instead of living as one who has been bought at a price and who belongs to Another.
This summer has been like a lifting of the spiritual fog I have felt for the past couple of years. This is the second year that we have participated in the National Bible Bee as a family. What an incredible opportunity to memorize the Scriptures, and to teach your children how to study the Bible. In addition to the many Bible verses each age group memorizes, the families all study the same book of the Bible. This summer we are studying through the book of 1 Peter. They teach you how to do an inductive Bible study, reading over the whole book several times and studying the history, geography and author before taking a closer look, chapter by chapter and verse by verse (and looking up the original Greek in Strongs Concordance). So for those looking to teach their children in the spiritual disciplines of Bible study, prayer (they go through the whole A.C.T.S prayer model), and scripture memory, along with great ideas and prompts for applying the Word of God in your life and in your child's life, I can't recommend this summer challenge enough! It has been so helpful to have this program to help pass along the skills and disciplines I learned in college, and at the appropriate age level, too.
As my children mature, I am finding the time to sit still is returning to my life. The time to think, pause, pray and study is slowly creeping back into the daily schedule of things. I can see the foundation we have been laying with the girls is paying off for them, and us, as I work myself out of a job, with each girl growing in her ability to help around the house and to help with her younger sisters. I am thankful for those "survival mode" years, and I am glad that God is gracious.
The following passage of scripture describes the fog, and lifting of it in my heart:
Psa 119:25-50
"My soul clings to the dust; Revive me according to Your word.
I have declared my ways, and You answered me; Teach me Your statutes.
Make me understand the way of Your precepts; So shall I meditate on Your wonderful works.
My soul melts from heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your word.
Remove from me the way of lying, And grant me Your law graciously.
I have chosen the way of truth; Your judgments I have laid before me.
I cling to Your testimonies; O LORD, do not put me to shame!
I will run the course of Your commandments, For You shall enlarge my heart.
Teach me, O LORD, the way of Your statutes, And I shall keep it to the end.
Give me understanding, and I shall keep Your law; Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart.
Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, For I delight in it.
Incline my heart to Your testimonies, And not to covetousness.
Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, And revive me in Your way.
Establish Your word to Your servant, Who is devoted to fearing You.
Turn away my reproach which I dread, For Your judgments are good.
Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me in Your righteousness.
Let Your mercies come also to me, O LORD— Your salvation according to Your word.
So shall I have an answer for him who reproaches me, For I trust in Your word.
And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth, For I have hoped in Your ordinances.
So shall I keep Your law continually, Forever and ever.
And I will walk at liberty, For I seek Your precepts.
I will speak of Your testimonies also before kings, And will not be ashamed.
And I will delight myself in Your commandments, Which I love.
My hands also I will lift up to Your commandments, Which I love, And I will meditate on Your statutes.
Remember the word to Your servant, Upon which You have caused me to hope.
This is my comfort in my affliction, For Your word has given me life."
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Invisible Law
Excuse me for moment while I adjust my soap box. You see, just the other week we received a phone call from our church stating that the signs for our Kindemusik business were being collected and thrown into the back of a county truck only to be hauled off to the dump. We were a tad confused because my husband had called the county and asked if a permit was needed and what laws and rules there were in posting a sign on the property where we conducted our business. We were given the go ahead, and for months our signs had stood and directed folks our way...until two weeks ago. What changed? Apparently the law changed, and ours were not the only signs picked up by the authorities. Many other small businesses were set back by this change in policy. Was a notice given to the business owners? We received none, and this with our phone number ON THE SIGN. How difficult would it be to call the owner and tell them that they had 24 hours to comply with the change in the law?
My husband was less than thrilled, to put it mildly. We are not a large business, and I am sure that you are all aware of our sluggish economy. It doesn't seem logical to set back small businesses in a time when people are going the extra mile to make a go of it. After taking careful precaution to comply to all the laws regarding a business and advertising, it was particularly upsetting to find that we had trespassed a law we didn't know existed. Even less so when my husband had to go down to the office and acquire papers allowing him to go down to the dump and retrieve his own signs...and could only find one of the two.
I hope you are all burning with the righteous indignation that comes from one who desires to do the right thing but is unable to do so because the rules secretly changed. But don't we, as parents, sometimes do this to our children? Imagine the frustration of a toddler when she finds that she has crossed an unknown line while out in public. How helpful it would have been to take a minute before going into the store to clearly explain your expectations for her behavior! (ie, do not whine for me to buy you something, do not touch things in the store, do not stand in the cart, etc.) Perhaps then she would have known how to behave instead of finding it out by default. Perhaps a minute of pause before entering the birthday party to explain the proper social etiquette to your child would prevent the embarrassing situation of her unknowingly stealing the spotlight from the birthday girl. We have been known to practice how one behaves at a birthday party, both as the birthday girl and as the guest. It is a lovely thing when you see your child look up with confidence to thank the giver for the present they are opening.
Even teenagers need to have the expected behavior laid out plainly and simply for them. Nothing is more frustrating than to find that you have disappointed a parent by behaving in an embarrassing manner, only to be called selfish and self-centered later. Even the most willing of teens will begin to withdraw if this pattern repeats itself enough times. They certainly will not proceed with the confidence that their parents are proud of them and support their efforts in learning to be responsible and productive young adults.
So in some ways, this little upset in our business life has given us pause to remember the importance of clearly communicating our expectations to our children. How's that for a silver lining?
My husband was less than thrilled, to put it mildly. We are not a large business, and I am sure that you are all aware of our sluggish economy. It doesn't seem logical to set back small businesses in a time when people are going the extra mile to make a go of it. After taking careful precaution to comply to all the laws regarding a business and advertising, it was particularly upsetting to find that we had trespassed a law we didn't know existed. Even less so when my husband had to go down to the office and acquire papers allowing him to go down to the dump and retrieve his own signs...and could only find one of the two.
I hope you are all burning with the righteous indignation that comes from one who desires to do the right thing but is unable to do so because the rules secretly changed. But don't we, as parents, sometimes do this to our children? Imagine the frustration of a toddler when she finds that she has crossed an unknown line while out in public. How helpful it would have been to take a minute before going into the store to clearly explain your expectations for her behavior! (ie, do not whine for me to buy you something, do not touch things in the store, do not stand in the cart, etc.) Perhaps then she would have known how to behave instead of finding it out by default. Perhaps a minute of pause before entering the birthday party to explain the proper social etiquette to your child would prevent the embarrassing situation of her unknowingly stealing the spotlight from the birthday girl. We have been known to practice how one behaves at a birthday party, both as the birthday girl and as the guest. It is a lovely thing when you see your child look up with confidence to thank the giver for the present they are opening.
Even teenagers need to have the expected behavior laid out plainly and simply for them. Nothing is more frustrating than to find that you have disappointed a parent by behaving in an embarrassing manner, only to be called selfish and self-centered later. Even the most willing of teens will begin to withdraw if this pattern repeats itself enough times. They certainly will not proceed with the confidence that their parents are proud of them and support their efforts in learning to be responsible and productive young adults.
So in some ways, this little upset in our business life has given us pause to remember the importance of clearly communicating our expectations to our children. How's that for a silver lining?
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Protecting the Foundation
Up at the crack of dawn, exercise, make breakfast, pack lunch for hubby, kiss hubby goodbye, clean sticky hands, ignore dust build-up, email, schedule, oversee and teach four grades worth of school, attack mountain of laundry without making a dent, intervene before older sister kills younger one for singing the same three phrases of a song for the 30th time, make lunch, and plan for dinner, clip coupons, tuck 4yro into bed for nap....you get the picture. Our days as mothers are full of serving and caring for those who seem unable to function without our help. It's easy to think that every need is immediate and of extreme importance...perhaps the tone of desperation with which we hear our name being called on so frequent a basis makes it more difficult for us to truly assess the real level of need. Sometimes we just want the noise and chaos to stop, and so we will do whatever it takes to make the peace return to the universe of our home. By the end of the day, we are DONE, emotionally and physically exhausted, and yet, there is someone else who needs us. Someone who looks vaguely familiar, in fact you can almost remember how the two of you started on this journey together, so energetic and excited.
With all its challenges and demands it has still been everything you hoped for and envisioned. The two of you knew that this raising of a family would be hard work, and would require a dying to self...although HOW much dying was not even possible for you to imagine at the time. Perhaps you start and end your day with no more than a few minutes of conversation...sometimes it even happens when you are BOTH at home all day. So busy with the children and their training, it is a simple thing to put the needs of the other capable-adult-in-the-home on the back-burner. A heavy strain may begin to burden the relationship that was once so free and easy.
May I suggest that we all take a little time to build a protective wall around the foundation of the family, our marriages. Even more than your time with them, your children need to know that their world is secure because the relationship between Mom and Dad is strong. When we remind our children that our spouse comes first in our heart and actions, they have a sense of peace that gives them confidence in all that they attempt and explore.
So how do we practically build that protective foundation? One of the ways that we are trying to build that protective barrier is by teaching the children not to interrupt. I think there is a built in homing device that goes off inside children when they see their mother giving her full attention to someone else. They come to you with every little thing, and having not yet developed a sense of timing or awareness of others they start talking to you before they even enter the room. A little training to stop and wait, or the simple, "Papa is talking to Mama right now" should be the taught sign for them to put a cork in it and give you a minute to concentrate on your husband. He needs to know that you care about what he is saying, and not all men are able to get their thoughts into words easily...for some it may be this moment, or never. If he feels like you are too divided to listen to him, you may not get another opportunity to share that thought again. So don't be afraid to train your children in waiting, and also in understanding the TRUE definition of "it's an EMERGENCY!"...this should be used if someone is bleeding, losing a limb, or someone is in extreme danger.
Another way to help in this area is to have a bedtime that is fairly firm. The older children can go to their rooms for quiet reading/playing before lights-out. But at the end of the day, it is such a joy to have a few minutes of quiet, to unwind, and have some needed conversations with your spouse. The occasional late night with the kids to watch a movie or play a game is so fun, but on average, I have found that I need that time to be off duty long enough to catch my thoughts and have a few minutes to talk with my man.
Romance is a demanding plant, it requires time and thoughtful creativity to keep it fresh and inviting. Regular date nights, even if they are at home, can be a great way to keep the fire kindled. Become a full time student of your man, his favorite treats, relaxing activities, coffee preference, etc. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you have discovered all there is to know about him. Find a new game to learn how to play together...cards, computer...whatever. Recently, Ryan and I played Words with Friends on our iphones, which meant that we could play the game throughout the workday, or even in the same room...silly, but fun. And, no matter how tired you are...try to save some energy for late night fun together. ;)
I would love to hear some of the ways you work to put your marriage first while raising kids...we can all use some tips in this area.
With all its challenges and demands it has still been everything you hoped for and envisioned. The two of you knew that this raising of a family would be hard work, and would require a dying to self...although HOW much dying was not even possible for you to imagine at the time. Perhaps you start and end your day with no more than a few minutes of conversation...sometimes it even happens when you are BOTH at home all day. So busy with the children and their training, it is a simple thing to put the needs of the other capable-adult-in-the-home on the back-burner. A heavy strain may begin to burden the relationship that was once so free and easy.
May I suggest that we all take a little time to build a protective wall around the foundation of the family, our marriages. Even more than your time with them, your children need to know that their world is secure because the relationship between Mom and Dad is strong. When we remind our children that our spouse comes first in our heart and actions, they have a sense of peace that gives them confidence in all that they attempt and explore.
So how do we practically build that protective foundation? One of the ways that we are trying to build that protective barrier is by teaching the children not to interrupt. I think there is a built in homing device that goes off inside children when they see their mother giving her full attention to someone else. They come to you with every little thing, and having not yet developed a sense of timing or awareness of others they start talking to you before they even enter the room. A little training to stop and wait, or the simple, "Papa is talking to Mama right now" should be the taught sign for them to put a cork in it and give you a minute to concentrate on your husband. He needs to know that you care about what he is saying, and not all men are able to get their thoughts into words easily...for some it may be this moment, or never. If he feels like you are too divided to listen to him, you may not get another opportunity to share that thought again. So don't be afraid to train your children in waiting, and also in understanding the TRUE definition of "it's an EMERGENCY!"...this should be used if someone is bleeding, losing a limb, or someone is in extreme danger.
Another way to help in this area is to have a bedtime that is fairly firm. The older children can go to their rooms for quiet reading/playing before lights-out. But at the end of the day, it is such a joy to have a few minutes of quiet, to unwind, and have some needed conversations with your spouse. The occasional late night with the kids to watch a movie or play a game is so fun, but on average, I have found that I need that time to be off duty long enough to catch my thoughts and have a few minutes to talk with my man.
Romance is a demanding plant, it requires time and thoughtful creativity to keep it fresh and inviting. Regular date nights, even if they are at home, can be a great way to keep the fire kindled. Become a full time student of your man, his favorite treats, relaxing activities, coffee preference, etc. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you have discovered all there is to know about him. Find a new game to learn how to play together...cards, computer...whatever. Recently, Ryan and I played Words with Friends on our iphones, which meant that we could play the game throughout the workday, or even in the same room...silly, but fun. And, no matter how tired you are...try to save some energy for late night fun together. ;)
I would love to hear some of the ways you work to put your marriage first while raising kids...we can all use some tips in this area.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Move Over Bacon...
So I realize that any family with kids goes through a certain amount of transition when school ends and summer starts. There is an awkward sense of freedom, accompanied by a weak sense of structure that will sustain a family for a couple of days before the "I'm Bored" mantra begins. Our family goes through a degree of this in the first week of summer vacation, but it is not that transition that rocks my world. Oh no, there is another one that happens only in families where there is a parent who is a teacher.
You see summer for our family means wonderful freedom and fun for the kids, and also the excitement of having my wonderful husband around for two months. This is something we all look forward to the whole year round, and when it comes it is such a blessing, except for one little hiccup. You see for 10 months out the year, I am the master of the home during the day, and run things according to my style and pleasure, but come summer, there is a sudden switch of master in the day-time routine. It is a good thing, and I am definitely one to step out of the way, but it sometimes catches me off guard.
For example, I may have planned how I thought the day would run, only to come out of our room to find my husband re-organizing the homeschool bookshelf. I wasn't mentally prepared for that task, and now must clear my mind to help him in the newly scheduled day. It is not a bad thing, just not the thing I planned to do with that moment. I can chose to fight it, but what good would that do? In the end, I know I am called to be my husband's help-meet, and therefore would really be picking a fight with God because I didn't get my own way, even if it was about something that I didn't value in the first place. Were my plans for the day SO dear to me? Not truly, but the fact that they were mine and under my control ...well that part may have been a little too dear to admit at the time. It may not show itself outwardly, but there is an inward struggle as I learn to follow a new flow for the next two months.
Unfortunately, I tend to have this same trouble with God year round. How often do I make plans for my life, as if it were mine to plan? Gal 2:20 reminds me that I am no longer my own, but have been bought at a price. So who is bending to whom here? It is not for me to demand of God how I would like my life to turn out: what kind of home I would like, what kind of children I would want, or how many children I would want, or ...well you get the idea.
I need to learn to clear my schedule for the day (figuratively speaking) and be prepared for the distractions and interruptions, as we would see them, that God may have planned for me to attend to. Perhaps it is the putting aside of my ever-so-important tasks, to attend to the heart of my child. The one who is hovering behind me, waiting to tell me her thoughts and struggles. Lord, make me aware to your schedule so I do not miss the narrow window of a view into my child's spirit. If she sees that I am ever-so-busy, those open-heart opportunities will grow fewer and fewer until we sit at a table in a restaurant during her college years with nothing to talk about.
So I am transitioning with my home and with my heart. I can go down gracefully, and show an honoring example to my daughters, who are quick to imitate, or I can go down kicking and screaming. That choice is still mine, and I pray for the wisdom to chose the former.
You see summer for our family means wonderful freedom and fun for the kids, and also the excitement of having my wonderful husband around for two months. This is something we all look forward to the whole year round, and when it comes it is such a blessing, except for one little hiccup. You see for 10 months out the year, I am the master of the home during the day, and run things according to my style and pleasure, but come summer, there is a sudden switch of master in the day-time routine. It is a good thing, and I am definitely one to step out of the way, but it sometimes catches me off guard.
For example, I may have planned how I thought the day would run, only to come out of our room to find my husband re-organizing the homeschool bookshelf. I wasn't mentally prepared for that task, and now must clear my mind to help him in the newly scheduled day. It is not a bad thing, just not the thing I planned to do with that moment. I can chose to fight it, but what good would that do? In the end, I know I am called to be my husband's help-meet, and therefore would really be picking a fight with God because I didn't get my own way, even if it was about something that I didn't value in the first place. Were my plans for the day SO dear to me? Not truly, but the fact that they were mine and under my control ...well that part may have been a little too dear to admit at the time. It may not show itself outwardly, but there is an inward struggle as I learn to follow a new flow for the next two months.
Unfortunately, I tend to have this same trouble with God year round. How often do I make plans for my life, as if it were mine to plan? Gal 2:20 reminds me that I am no longer my own, but have been bought at a price. So who is bending to whom here? It is not for me to demand of God how I would like my life to turn out: what kind of home I would like, what kind of children I would want, or how many children I would want, or ...well you get the idea.
I need to learn to clear my schedule for the day (figuratively speaking) and be prepared for the distractions and interruptions, as we would see them, that God may have planned for me to attend to. Perhaps it is the putting aside of my ever-so-important tasks, to attend to the heart of my child. The one who is hovering behind me, waiting to tell me her thoughts and struggles. Lord, make me aware to your schedule so I do not miss the narrow window of a view into my child's spirit. If she sees that I am ever-so-busy, those open-heart opportunities will grow fewer and fewer until we sit at a table in a restaurant during her college years with nothing to talk about.
So I am transitioning with my home and with my heart. I can go down gracefully, and show an honoring example to my daughters, who are quick to imitate, or I can go down kicking and screaming. That choice is still mine, and I pray for the wisdom to chose the former.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
When Your Child Should Disobey The Authority
We feel so blessed to have such lovely daughters, both inside and out. We hope to train them for life and godliness, by teaching them to be loving, responsible adults. From early on we teach them to obey the first command with a cheerful heart, but we also have to teach them when NOT to obey. It is a sad truth that in our world we have to teach our children, girls and boys, to resist an adult who would abuse their bodies sexually. I hate this topic, but I think it is one we must mention in our talks about parenting.
Statistics are cold truths, so I won't post any. A more meaningful truth is that almost all of you who read this blog will either have experienced this kind of abuse first hand, or know someone who did. It is a difficult thing for a child who is taught to trust authority, is then abused by it. The emotional and physical damage is great.
From an early age we teach our children about their private parts and who may touch them, and for what reason: a doctor who is caring for their health, or a parent who is helping to clean them until they can care for themselves responsibly. If any other authority such as a pastor, teacher, relative, etc. should approach them and touch them, they are told to yell and run. Details are not needed to equip our children to deal with the world's ugliness. I hope and pray that none of these ladies have to experience this kind of evil, but I want them to know that this situation is one where it is needful to disobey an authority.
My oldest and I had to have an even harder talk recently, prompted by a near abduction of a homeschool girl in our area. The girl was out playing in her yard, and a man jumped out of a white van and quickly approached her. The girl ran quickly into the house. The man, thinking that she was home alone, came to the front door and banged on it loudly. He retreated quickly when the mother came to the door, making some thin excuse and jumping into the van. So, I had to explain about the dark truth of human trafficking and young girls of 12 or 13 being prime targets. We talked about running from strangers who might ask her to help them find a "lost puppy" or some other excuse to prey upon the tender feelings of a young girl in order to make her come with them. We talked about screaming, "This is NOT my parent, call 911!", etc. We can not protect her from every evil, but we certainly do her no favors by keeping her unprepared and ignorant.
It is a hard world, and it seems to be getting harder every year. We do not need to live in fear, but we do need to be equipped, prepared and wise. I hope that you will make time to have the hard discussions, even young ones can be equipped without terrorizing them. Tailor the talk to the age of your child. Please, don't think it could never happen to your child, you do them a great disservice by not being aware, and not making them aware.
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