The scene is a familiar one, strict Christian family runs a tight ship and the children are quiet, polite, and vacant robots. They smile at the adults, and answer with an empty respect, and then the second the authority's back is turned they rebel, like a horse bolting for the crack in the stall door. I have seen many of these well-intending families keep a sheltered environment for their children, only to see them dump all their beliefs and discipline the moment they reach college.
What happens to these kids? My personal opinion is that the parents chose to "child-proof the world" instead of "world-proof the child". Much trouble was taken to remove bad choices in the child's life. Like the locks on the cabinet, or toilet seat for a toddler, all the wrong choices were eliminated, ultimately resulting in no choice at all. When that happens, the child can only respond to the outside pressure to obey. But when that pressure (the parent) is removed, then the child's untried and weak will quickly resorts to whatever whim it feels most inclined to follow.
In our home, other than outlet plugs and a blanket on the stone fireplace, we did not make provisions to child proof our home. Instead, we took time to follow them around and give them the rules. It required patience to allow our children to test those rules and suffer the consequences. But, it was important to us that our daughters learned to govern themselves. Their will and resolve would strengthen with every choice to disobey or obey. The removal of every temptation doesn't strengthen us to govern ourselves from within, but creates a resentment for the fetters. Learning that our choices are ours, and that they have consequences, teaches us to be aware of the world, and to grow in wisdom.
Sometimes we run into trouble with our older girls running interference for our youngest. They want to remove the temptation from the little one, or they want to get in there before she has a chance to dis-obey. We have to remind them to let her CHOOSE to obey or not. Yes, our actions bear consequences, but the ability to choose is what strengthens our own resolve. We can help build that will by rewarding good choices and making poor ones unpleasant, but we do not help them by eliminating the chance to disobey.
Recently we got a glimpse in to our 6yro's resolve. Through a previous poor decision on her part, she earned a week without sweets of any kind. Unfortunately for her, this fell on the week she would be spending at her Grandparents house while Ryan and I were in Savannah. (Grandparents = everything fun AND LOTS OF SWEETS) I made her restrictions known to her grandparents, but I was curious to see what she would do when we weren't around to be a presence in her life. Her grandparents forgot and offered her dessert. Her Aunt and uncle came over and took all the girls to the park, and gave them ice cream. But, the 6 yro had to remind them all that she couldn't eat sweets, and had to sit and watch her sisters enjoy what she had been offered as well, but CHOSE to refuse. Add to that a visit to the neighbor's house for lunch, where the hostess gave each girl a box of sugary goodness, and I am not sure I would have stood the test at 37 much less at 6. She had to take her box back to the house and wait until her restrictions were lifted to enjoy it. We were so proud of her resolve. It's not always so successful, I mean she had restrictions for a reason...the will hadn't been so strong the week before. But she realized that the choice to obey or not was HER choice.
We have been blessed so far to see our girls make their own decisions regarding modesty, what they choose to watch, etc. I hope and pray that they continue to see the fruits of wise decisions and therefore grow in discernment through their young adult years. We continue to seek God's guidance and grace as we stumble our way through parenthood. Prayer is essential since we trust that only God can change hearts. We can make the environment rich for training, but only God can make it grow.
Great post! So encouraging and challenging. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experience!
ReplyDeleteCathlyn, this is an excellent post. Thanks for sharing your experience.
ReplyDeleteCurious, what would have happened if she would have had a sweet?
ReplyDeleteJenni- that's a valid question. I think the consequences would depend on the amount of honesty she had in owning up to her failure. Had she eaten a sweet and NOT told us (us finding out through grandparents or siblings) she would have had to go another week without sweets, and some additional punishment. But had she eaten a sweet and confessed it to us right away, I think we would have had her just go a few more days without sweets. That's just of the top of my head. Much would depend upon the state of her heart when we found out about the "sweet transgression".
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