Let me take you on a trip down memory lane, my memory lane to be exact. I was a senior in college, preparing for my student teaching at the local high school. I had a fabulous professor in charge of my teaching experience, and he gave me some pretty standard advice, that seemed a little harsh at the time. He told me to start off like "Attila the Hun", and not to let the students see me smile until after Christmas. Of course, he didn't truly mean to be so harsh as to never smile in front of the students, but he was trying to tell me to establish authority early. It is much easier to maintain authority than it is to establish it.
So I walked into a classroom filled with African American students, some just a few years younger than I, and some showing me pictures of their second children. Needless to say, I was a fish out of water, and I felt it keenly. I wanted to help these students, who happened to be struggling in math, but I secretly wanted them to think I was cool ...I wanted to impress them. Well, impressing took place, but it was mainly them making an impression on me. I came in a little too chummy, and not quite strict enough, although as a student teacher you already start with a knock against you. The students KNOW you aren't a REAL teacher, and therefore have little to back up your authority. Add to that the roll of red tape a public school teacher has to go through to get some real leverage to her discipline, and you have a situation ripe for behavior problems, and that's just what I got. Think of your favorite, inner-city teacher movie. Now think of the beginning, when the teacher realizes the ship is sinking and something must be done to keep afloat, and there you have my entire experience student teaching. I wish I had the chance to make it to the end of the movie when all the students finally realize their full potential, but alas it was not for me that year.
Because I failed to establish solid authority in the beginning, I spent the rest of my 6 weeks trying to earn it from the students. Had I come in with full force from the start, it would have cost me less energy to maintain it for those 6 weeks. After having several "pow-wows" with my professor, he gave me some very precious advice that has carried over into my parenting as well. He told me, that when you re-establish authority, that the trouble-students' behavior would get much worse before it would improve.
Anyone else out there as confused as I was when I first heard that? "The trouble behavior will get worse before it gets better"? Really? I mulled it over and it began to settle with me and the experience I had training horses (of course). When training a horse that is testing you, especially if he has managed to throw you to the ground, you can expect the horse to try the same behavior a few more times with an increased effort to throw you again. Why? He is trying to see if you really are going to enforce the new boundaries you are setting. Same thing with a trouble student. She will try even harder to see if you will stand firm, or cave. Once she is convinced of your resolve to stand firm (although you may be crumbling with fatigue inside) she will begin to step into line and calm down.
So it was with my student teaching experience, although too short to get completely past the trouble, I did see it begin to subside, and I was exhausted with the effort to re-establish that which I should have taken from the start.
What's so great about parenting is that you already have the authority given to you by God. In addition, you typically have children whose hearts desire to please you. We all desire to please our parents even now, whether we have poor relationships with them or not. But, there are times when you have a troubled area with a child that needs re-training. I do not feel comfortable discussing specifics in dealing with certain issues over a blog, but I would be happy to talk with folks one on one. I believe that children are individuals and therefore require a more tailored approach in applying these parenting principles. I would hate to make great sweeping advices to cover every child and a myriad of problems. Perhaps in future posts I can share more of what Ryan and I have found successful with our children.
This time, I want to encourage those of you encountering great difficulty with your child in one area or another. Remember to pray for guidance, seek to know your child's currency and deal in it as both a motivator and discipline tool, and then stand firm in your commands (don't give commands that you might not be able to follow through on completely). Do not give way to pleas and manipulations to make you move from your command. And then expect that it be obeyed immediately and cheerfully. Remember, it may get worse before it gets better, so don't lose hope when your first efforts are met with resistance.
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