A dear friend has asked me to blog about teaching siblings to share. With 5 girls in the house we have had, and have, daily opportunities to learn just that. Before we get into the nitty-gritty of it all, I'd like to take a broad look at sharing.
Sharing is by definition, VOLUNTARY. If someone chooses to share, it is just that, a CHOICE. Forced sharing smacks of domination, and is therefore less than optimal in the trait you are trying to encourage in your child.
With that said, when our children were very young, they had to be SHOWN what sharing means. They were given the chance to share, and if they chose to do so we would sing their praises and give them a special treat for giving-way to another. If they chose not to we said that was fine and made nothing more of it, UNLESS we saw that it had become a problem. If that was the case, and sharing was being denied for only one sibling, for example, we would pull her aside and ask them what she loved more...her toy, or her sister. Put like that, she would lean toward sharing. For a long time the motto around our house has been "We love people, we like things".
As our girls have grown, we have encountered certain teachable moments where one has chosen NOT to share that which would have cost them nothing to share...the common phrase heard then is, "That is an opportunity to show love that you have missed and will NEVER get back." We also stress that if she likes it when her sisters share with her, then she had best share with her sisters...the basic Golden Rule principle.
On very rare occasions when we have seen that a child has been not only selfish, but VERY unkind, we have had to address the attitude with discipline. But when we do, we are addressing the tone and attitude, not the decision to withhold sharing.
One thing we have shown older children who are dealing with younger siblings with a "mine" complex (always running around and grabbing things and saying, "MINE") is to show less interest in the object the younger child is guarding. Often times the younger sibling just wants the thing that the older one wants, because the older one's attention gives that object VALUE in the younger sibling's eyes. We tell them to act REALLY interested in another toy. When the younger one leaves to play with the NEW interest, the older one can go play with the first object without much difficulty. This works a majority of the time, and gives the older sibling a way to handle the somewhat annoying younger child, without bullying them.
But what happens when all FIVE girls want to do something at the same time? When they were younger we would help offer solutions for them to take turns, etc. Now that they are older, we sit back and give them a few minutes to work it out. If they still can't work it out, we tell them that they may not play with that object, or they can't watch a movie because they couldn't agree on WHICH one.
What are some of the methods you use in your home to encourage sharing?
so well said and wise. love you friend.
ReplyDeleteI loved what you said. Definitely something to ponder for my own kids! One thing I've tried to make sure not to do is make the older child give in and give up her toy just because the younger child wants it. But I also don't let her take away the younger one's toy when she wants it. I make both of them just wait until the other one is finished. Up to this point, we haven't had to address it that much because our son has been the type to just go off and play with things on his own. But I can tell that the older they get, the more "teachable moments" we're having!
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