You Didn't Date?

  
Disclaimer: I realize that this topic is controversial.  It is not my belief that this is the BEST or ONLY way to find a mate.  I am simply sharing our story as an encouragement for those who feel called to follow God in this way, and as an example to those who doubt that it can happen. When we tell people our story, they usually look at us in amazement and say, "You didn't date?!"

  The summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year of college, I came across a book that would impact my life greatly, "Passion and Purity", by Elisabeth Elliot.  Although the principles in the book would take a few years to transform my thinking, Elisabeth Elliot quickly became one of the most influential people in my life, and is to this day.  She challenged everything I had ever heard about dating and finding a husband.  I longed for the simplicity and trust that I found in her book, but honestly couldn't see how it could be applied to modern American dating. 
  I had become weary of the "trying-people-on" to see if they were a fit.  The pattern of continually dating: experiencing the high from a new relationship, the leveling of emotions into a steady pattern, and then the dip of emotions as one grew tired of one's choice and began to look for a new one.  Having come from a divorced family, I could see how this emotional pattern could carry over into my marriage and I desperately wanted to stop the dating game.
    Needless to say, it took a few years for me to stop dating, and stop trying to make it all happen.  In fact, it took my experience that I blogged about in Resurrection of the Dead Dream  to teach me that my God is trustworthy, even with my heart.

Here is our story:


Coming back to Georgia, after what felt like a failure of an experience in ministry, I roomed with Dawn, a friend from college.  Dawn and I began to develop a dear friendship that challenged each of us to grow in our relationship with the Lord, and I began to attend Dawn's church.  It was a small church, and a good many college students and recent graduates made up the core of the congregation. 
  It didn't take me long to notice Ryan, the tall, dark, handsome piano player with the gorgeous voice.  During the sharing time at church and in Bible studies, I could see that Ryan had a strong relationship with the Lord.  I watched how he interacted with the people in our church. He wasn't boastful or proud. He didn't draw attention to himself with embarrassing displays of masculinity.  He served the people in the church with a gracious and generous heart.  He patiently listened to the "talkers",  he would quickly help those who were more difficult to be around, and he was always quick with a cheerful wit to make us all laugh.  Honestly ladies, I ask you, who WOULDN'T notice a man like that?  All this was ascertained about him without ever going on a single date.
  The summer after I moved down to Georgia, my mother asked me to move her horse up to Rome so I could train him.  Ryan stayed in town and worked at the Waffle House.  It was the summer before his Senior year of college. The church was a small group now that many of the college students had gone home for the summer.  Those of us left spent a good deal of time together, mainly in groups. Ryan and I traded piano lessons for riding lessons, and that was the extent of our time alone together. We never talked about feelings, or dating...but my emotions were beginning to be a problem for me.
  I talked with the pastor and his wife about Ryan. I wanted to get an outside opinion as to whether they thought Ryan and I would make a good couple for marriage.  My long career of dating made it clear that my emotions were not a good guide as to suitability for marriage. Going to a godly, and happily married couple who knew the both of us, sounded like good advice, as they could see things I could not about what would be needed in a marriage relationship.  They were very positive in their feelings about us, but as we knew nothing about Ryan's feelings on the matter, we all kept our mouths shut, and went about our business.
  Ryan shared with the group at one of the Bible studies that he was having a difficult time with the night shift at Waffle House.  He was the cook, and the nights were wearing on him.  I had just started teaching Summer school Algebra for the local college prep academy, and had PLENTY of papers to grade.  I decided to pay the Waffle House a visit one night while Ryan was cooking. I sat on the stool at the breakfast bar and graded, and talked with Ryan about a wide range of things, like our view of family, and what we wanted most in life.   
  Something very important happened that night; I saw how Ryan responded under pressure.  With toothless waitresses yelling at him to get the order right, and grumpy customers sending back their food, Ryan never lost his cool.  He always responded in kindness and with grace.  This was huge for me, having come from a home where my father had a quick and loud temper when frustrated.  I walked away, not only knowing more of Ryan's background, but much more of his character.

  You see, when we date, we put forth our best behavior.  We want to impress that other person, and once we know we have them, we can let the rest of the not-so-pretty out of its shell.  It is often hard to tell what the other person is really like, until you see how he behaves with people who are difficult, who he is NOT trying to impress.

Well, the summer ended, and I started teaching full time while Ryan went back to classes.  Except at church, we saw nothing of each other.  I had been praying this whole time that God would make it clear as to His will, as I was done with dating.  I wanted to be free of  these emotions if God was not desiring to bring Ryan and I together.  I  knew nothing of Ryan's feelings, but could hear God asking me to wait, so I poured myself into my teaching. 
   Over Thanksgiving, my father asked me about my dating life.  I told him that I was done dating and that one day he would just get a phone call from some man that he never heard of before, asking for my hand in marriage.  I asked him if he would help me in making that decision.  He chuckled, and with a confused expression told me that he thought that was my decision alone.
  There was an uneasiness in my heart, and I prayed before taking a nap that God would just let me know one way or the other.  As I slept I dreamed that Ryan and I were taking care of the pastor's five children, like we did when they were out of town for a week in the early Fall.  In the dream, we were all playing a game outside, and somehow I tripped and fell.  Ryan picked me up and kissed me, I pushed him away and said in surprise, "What was THAT for?"  He answered, "I just know what I want."  I woke, flung up from the couch drenched in sweat and with wide eyes.  Although I didn't want to put any stock in a dream, I couldn't get it out of my head. That very night was the traditional concert at the college called Lessons and Carols, and Ryan was singing in the choir.  As he walked down the aisle with the other choir members he caught sight of me and his whole face lit up.  I tried to convince myself that it was nothing.
  Little did I know that while I was wrestling with my feelings, Ryan had been asking his parents for guidance about marrying me  You see, a few months back, during a Bible study, I was sharing something from my journal, and Ryan had a moment of  tunnel vision, and felt the Lord revealing me to him as God's choice for his wife.
  Over Christmas, I went with my family to the Bahamas, and the weather was TERRIBLE.  We could hardly leave our cottage there...it made for an abundance of idle time to think.  I couldn't hear a joke, or experience something without wishing Ryan could be there to share it with me.  I was so angry with myself for letting my heart get the best of me, completely unaware that during that time, Ryan was asking his grandmother to send him his great-grandmother's engagement ring.
  Upon returning from the Bahamas, I had to turn around and take the 8th grade to Disney World.  I welcomed the commotion; it kept me from thinking so much.  Ryan was busy in my absence, finding out my father's phone number, and calling this man, whom he had never met, asking for my hand in marriage.  My father's response? "Cathy is able to make up her own mind about that."  Ryan offered to come down and meet him, but my father assured him it wouldn't be necessary.  Then Ryan called my mother and asked her for my hand, as well.  She had met him once or twice in conjunction with the horses and riding, and she agreed.  Ryan thought he would need to spend time with them to earn their approval, and was shocked to see all the doors being opened so quickly for him.
  I returned from Disney, and received a phone call from Ryan asking if I wanted to go up to Chattanooga with him that night, as he had a busy semester ahead and didn't think he would have much time for play.  I, thinking that this might be a group thing, asked if Dawn could come too.  As it was a school night, Dawn refused (as both Ryan and I knew she would), and Ryan came to pick me up.

  We drove the hour up to Chattanooga, and I chatted the whole way about the 8th grade trip to Disney.  I noticed that Ryan was unusually quiet, but didn't think anything of it.  We went to a coffee house and talked and had fun. Then we went for a walk on the lighted pedestrian bridge.  It looked beautiful with the white lights outlining every part of it.  We were chatting about something, when Ryan's voice and countenance completely changed, he looked at me and said, "I want to talk to you about something."  I began to panic as I thought he was going to assure me that we were just friends, and that he could tell I had feelings for him. I was mortified.  We sat down on the bench and he noticed his shoe was untied and got down on his knee to tie it.  I thought it was a strange thing to do, and more so as he handed me a ball of tin foil, saying, "What's this?"  I began to open it and was just able to see the top of the ring box when he reached out to hold my hand. He had never touched my hand before.  I was stunned. Suddenly it all made sense, the hand, the ring box, and him on one knee.  It was as if my mind was pulling back to watch this scene take place in a movie.  Ryan asked me if I would marry him.  I screamed yes...in my head, but as I had promised God that I would only marry him with his parent's approval, I pulled myself together and asked him, "What do your parents say?"  Now it was Ryan's turn to be nervous, thinking I was going to turn him down.  He began to explain all that had happened without really saying whether they gave their approval.  He finally told me that his parents thought it was God's will, and I answered, " I can't think of anything that would make me happier!"
  Six months later, we were married.  It has been a wonderful and blessed marriage, and I am grateful that God chose for us.

So there is our story.  For those who desire to allow God to bring them a mate without dating, it is possible. Not only did this happen for us, but for three other couples from our church, too...none of them dated.