The Invisible Law

   Excuse me for  moment while I adjust my soap box.  You see, just the other week we received a phone call from our church stating that the signs for our Kindemusik business were being collected and thrown into the back of a county truck only to be hauled off to the dump.  We were a tad confused because my husband had called the county and asked if a permit was needed and what laws and rules there were in posting a sign on the property where we conducted our business.  We were given the go ahead, and for months our signs had stood and directed folks our way...until two weeks ago.  What changed?  Apparently the law changed, and ours were not the only signs picked up by the authorities. Many other small businesses were set back by this change in policy.  Was a notice given to the business owners?  We received none, and this with our phone number  ON THE SIGN.  How difficult would it be to call the owner and tell them that they had 24 hours to comply with the change in the law?
  My husband was less than thrilled, to put it mildly.  We are not a large business, and I am sure that you are all aware of our sluggish economy.  It doesn't seem logical to set back small businesses in a time when people are going the extra mile to make a go of it.  After taking careful precaution to comply to all the laws regarding a business and advertising, it was particularly upsetting to find that we had trespassed a law we didn't know existed.  Even less so when my husband had to go down to the office and acquire papers allowing him to go down to the dump and retrieve his own signs...and could only find one of the two. 
  I hope you are all burning with the righteous indignation that comes from one who desires to do the right thing but is unable to do so because the rules secretly changed.  But don't we, as parents, sometimes do this to our children?  Imagine the frustration of a toddler when she finds that she has crossed an unknown line while out in public.  How helpful it would have been to take a minute before going into the store to clearly explain your expectations for her behavior!  (ie, do not whine for me to buy you something, do not touch things in the store, do not stand in the cart, etc.) Perhaps then she would have known how to behave instead of finding it out by default.  Perhaps a minute of pause before entering the birthday party to explain the proper social etiquette to your child would prevent the embarrassing situation of her unknowingly stealing the spotlight from the birthday girl.  We have been known to practice how one behaves at a birthday party, both as the birthday girl and as the guest.  It is a lovely thing when you see your child look up with confidence to thank the giver for the present they are opening.
   Even teenagers need to have the expected behavior laid out plainly and simply for them.  Nothing is more frustrating than to find that you have disappointed a parent by behaving in an embarrassing manner, only to be called selfish and self-centered later.  Even the most willing of teens will begin to withdraw if this pattern repeats itself enough times.  They certainly will not proceed with the confidence that their parents are proud of them and support their efforts in learning to be responsible and productive young adults.

  So in some ways, this little upset in our business life has given us pause to remember the importance of clearly communicating our expectations to our children.  How's that for a silver lining? 

Protecting the Foundation

    Up at the crack of dawn, exercise, make breakfast, pack lunch for hubby, kiss hubby goodbye, clean sticky hands, ignore dust build-up, email, schedule, oversee and teach four grades worth of school, attack mountain of laundry without making a dent, intervene before older sister kills younger one for singing the same three phrases of a song for the 30th time, make lunch, and plan for dinner, clip coupons, tuck 4yro into bed for nap....you get the picture.  Our days as mothers are full of serving and caring for those who seem unable to function without our help.  It's easy to think that every need is immediate and of extreme importance...perhaps the tone of desperation with which we hear our name being called on so frequent a basis makes it more difficult for us to truly assess the real level of need. Sometimes we just want the noise and chaos to stop, and so we will do whatever it takes to make the peace return to the universe of our home.  By the end of the day, we are DONE, emotionally and physically exhausted, and yet, there is someone else who needs us.  Someone who looks vaguely familiar, in fact you can almost remember how the two of you started on this journey together, so energetic and excited.
   With all its challenges and demands it has still been everything you hoped for and envisioned.  The two of you knew that this raising of a family would be hard work, and would require a dying to self...although HOW much dying was not even possible for you to imagine at the time.  Perhaps you start and end your day with no more than a few minutes of conversation...sometimes it even happens when you are BOTH at home all day.  So busy with the children and their training, it is a simple thing to put the needs of the other capable-adult-in-the-home on the back-burner.  A heavy strain may begin to burden the relationship that was once so free and easy. 
  May I suggest that we all take a little time to build a protective wall around the foundation of the family, our marriages.  Even more than your time with them, your children need to know that their world is secure because the relationship between Mom and Dad is strong.  When we remind our children that our spouse comes first in our heart and actions, they have a sense of peace that gives them confidence in all that they attempt and explore. 
  So how do we practically build that protective foundation?  One of the ways that we are trying to build that protective barrier is by teaching the children not to interrupt.  I think there is a built in homing device that goes off inside children when they see their mother giving her full attention to someone else.  They come to you with every little thing, and having not yet developed a sense of timing or awareness of others they start talking to you before they even enter the room.  A little training to stop and wait, or the simple, "Papa is talking to Mama right now" should be the taught sign for them to put a cork in it and give you a minute to concentrate on your husband.  He needs to know that you care about what he is saying, and not all men are able to get their thoughts into words easily...for some it may be this moment, or never.  If he feels like you are too divided to listen to him, you may not get another opportunity to share that thought again. So don't be afraid to train your children in waiting, and also in understanding the TRUE definition of "it's an EMERGENCY!"...this should be used if someone is bleeding, losing a limb, or someone is in extreme danger.
  Another way to help in this area is to have a bedtime that is fairly firm.  The older children can go to their rooms for quiet reading/playing before lights-out.  But at the end of the day, it is such a joy to have a few minutes of quiet, to unwind, and have some needed conversations with your spouse.  The occasional late night with the kids to watch a movie or play a game is so fun, but on average, I have found that I need that time to be off duty long enough to catch my thoughts and have a few minutes to talk with my man.
  Romance is a demanding plant, it requires time and thoughtful creativity to keep it fresh and inviting.  Regular date nights, even if they are at home, can be a great way to keep the fire kindled.  Become a full time student of your man, his favorite treats, relaxing activities, coffee preference, etc.  Don't fool yourself into thinking that you have discovered all there is to know about him.  Find a new game to learn how to play together...cards, computer...whatever.  Recently, Ryan and I played Words with Friends on our iphones, which meant that we could play the game throughout the workday, or even in the same room...silly, but fun.  And, no matter how tired you are...try to save some energy for late night fun together. ;)
  I would love to hear some of the ways you work to put your marriage first while raising kids...we can all use some tips in this area.
  

Move Over Bacon...

  So I realize that any family with kids goes through a certain amount of transition when school ends and summer starts.  There is an awkward sense of freedom, accompanied by a weak sense of structure that will sustain a family for a couple of days before the "I'm Bored" mantra begins.  Our family goes through a degree of this in the first week of summer vacation, but it is not that transition that rocks my world.  Oh no, there is another one that happens only in families where there is a parent who is a teacher.
  You see summer for our family means wonderful freedom and fun for the kids, and also the excitement of having my wonderful husband around for two months.  This is something we all look forward to the whole year round, and when it comes it is such a blessing, except for one little hiccup.  You see for 10 months out the year, I am the master of the home during the day, and run things according to my style and pleasure, but come summer, there is a sudden switch of master in the day-time routine.  It is a good thing, and I am definitely one to step out of the way, but it sometimes catches me off guard.
 For example, I may have planned how I thought the day would run, only to come out of our room to find my husband re-organizing the homeschool bookshelf.  I wasn't mentally prepared for that task, and now must clear my mind to help him in the newly scheduled day.  It is not a bad thing, just not the thing I planned to do with that moment.  I can chose to fight it, but what good would that do?  In the end, I know I am called to be my husband's help-meet, and therefore would really be picking a fight with God because I didn't get my own way, even if it was about something that I didn't value in the first place.  Were my plans for the day SO dear to me? Not truly, but the fact that they were mine and under my control ...well that part may have been a little too dear to admit at the time.  It may not show itself outwardly, but there is an inward struggle as I learn to follow a new flow for the next two months. 
  Unfortunately, I tend to have this same trouble with God year round.  How often do I make plans for my life, as if it were mine to plan?  Gal 2:20 reminds me that I am no longer my own, but have been bought at a price.  So who is bending to whom here?  It is not for me to demand of God how I would like my life to turn out: what kind of home I would like, what kind of children I would want, or how many children I would want, or ...well you get the idea.
  I need to learn to clear my schedule for the day (figuratively speaking) and be prepared for the distractions and interruptions, as we would see them, that God may have planned for me to attend to.  Perhaps it is the putting aside of my ever-so-important tasks, to attend to the heart of my child.  The one who is hovering behind me, waiting to tell me her thoughts and struggles. Lord, make me aware to your schedule so I do not miss the narrow window of a view into my child's spirit.  If she sees that I am ever-so-busy, those open-heart opportunities will grow fewer and fewer until we sit at a table in a restaurant during her college years with nothing to talk about.
  So I am transitioning with my home and with my heart.  I can go down gracefully, and show an honoring example to my daughters, who are quick to imitate, or I can go down kicking and screaming.  That choice is still mine, and I pray for the wisdom to chose the former.

When Your Child Should Disobey The Authority

  Okay...they are beautiful aren't they?  Among the most often heard comments when people see us out in public are:  "Still trying for a boy?", "Are ALL five yours?", and my personal favorite, "You DO know how that happens, don't you?"  You have to laugh at that kind of ignorant, closed-minded view...if only to keep yourself  from punching a total stranger in the face. 
   We feel so blessed to have such lovely daughters, both inside and out.  We hope to train them for life and godliness, by teaching them to be loving, responsible adults.  From early on we teach them to obey the first command with a cheerful heart, but we also have to teach them when NOT to obey.  It is a sad truth that in our world we have to teach our children, girls and boys, to resist an adult who would abuse their bodies sexually.  I hate this topic, but I think it is one we must mention in our talks about parenting.
   Statistics are cold truths, so I won't post any.  A more meaningful truth is that almost all of you who read this blog will either have experienced this kind of abuse first hand, or know someone who did.  It is a difficult thing for a child who is taught to trust authority, is then abused by it. The emotional and physical damage is great.
    From an early age we teach our children about their private parts and who may touch them, and for what reason: a doctor who is caring for their health, or a parent who is helping to clean them until they can care for themselves responsibly.   If any other authority such as a pastor, teacher, relative, etc. should approach them and touch them, they are told to yell and run.  Details are not needed to equip our children to deal with the world's ugliness.  I hope and pray that none of  these ladies have to experience this kind of evil, but I want them to know that this situation is one where it is needful to disobey an authority.
  My oldest and I had to have an even harder talk recently, prompted by a near abduction of a homeschool girl in our area.  The girl was out playing in her yard, and a man jumped out of a white van and quickly approached her.  The girl ran quickly into the house.  The man, thinking that she was home alone, came to the front door and banged on it loudly.  He retreated quickly when the mother came to the door, making some thin excuse and jumping into the van.  So, I had to explain about the dark truth of human trafficking and young girls of 12 or 13 being prime targets. We talked about running from strangers who might ask her to help them find a "lost puppy" or some other excuse to prey upon the tender feelings of a young girl in order to make her come with them.  We talked about screaming, "This is NOT my parent, call 911!", etc.  We can not protect her from every evil, but we certainly do her no favors by keeping her unprepared and ignorant.
  It is a hard world, and it seems to be getting harder every year.  We do not need to live in fear, but we do need to be equipped, prepared and wise.  I hope that you will make time to have the hard discussions, even young ones can be equipped without terrorizing them.  Tailor the talk to the age of your child. Please, don't think it could never happen to your child, you do them a great disservice by not being aware, and not making them aware.

Good Mom, Bad Mom

  Recently I heard that certain government boards were throwing around the idea of paying teachers according to their student's performance.  Seriously?  I wonder if  we applied that approach to the health profession if we could solve all our health care problems. If the doctor makes you well, then he gets paid.   Surely, there are certain professions where your performance gauges your pay, but it is usually related to your performance and not that of another.  Even an excellent teacher will get students who are determined not to learn.  Should their pay really be in the hand of hormonal adolescents?   The thought is ridiculous, and I hope that those in the world of politics will see how obviously wrong that idea is when played out in the classroom.
   Yet, how often do we gauge our performance by our children's behavior,  especially in public?  None of my children came ready-made examples of politeness and thoughtfulness.  I'm imagining that few of yours did either.  But here we are, after just a few attempts of teaching them how to act, feeling devastated as a mother when they act rudely, or when they fight with their sibling. (Not to mention how destructivie it is to compare ourselves with mothers whose children are farther along in their training than ours.)
  A mother recently told me how she felt like a bad mom because her children were fighting.  I hope you hear me when I say that your worth as a mother does not hinge on how your children behave at a given moment, but rather on how you react to their behavior.  Did you catch that?  Your child acting poorly does not mean you are a bad mother, but your response to her behavior is the guide to your performance.  Any time we wrap our self-worth into the performance of others, we are setting ourselves up for failure.  Your consistency and creativity in delivering the consequences for her actions is the true test of your mothering.  If your children are like mine, or like we were as children, then they will test those boundaries, and forget how to act, and let their emotions control their responses.  They are people in training, not performing monkeys to dazzle all your friends and relations. 
  To be consistent, and observant, kind, but firm, are the marks of a good parent.  And just like our children, we need the grace of God to fulfill our role daily.  It is exhausting, exhilarating, demanding, and rewarding...and completely unattainable without the proper perspective.

Purging the Home, and the Heart

  The birthday trifecta is about to descend on the Zwemke family.  Every year I determine to get a head start on the festivities so that I won't consider checking myself into a mental institution after the dust clears.  It is a wonderful thing to celebrate birthdays and we have four of them in our family within three weeks, plus our anniversary right on the heels of the last birthday.  So in efforts to get ahead of the game, I began ordering all the birthday presents in one lump sum last night. 
  I don't know how you handle things in your home, but whenever I start thinking of adding all the new toys and gifts into the home inventory, I immediately think of things we must get rid of in order to make space for the coming bounty.  Many things I know would not be missed, but some things, although unused, would cause some tears if removed permanently.   I believe it is important to teach our children to be good stewards of the things they own, and to practice respecting the rights of others' ownership.  So I don't want to force them to give up their toys, but I do want to teach them to hold all they own with an open hand, ready for God to take and receive as He sees fit. 
  Many a discussion has come about in these purging times (we do it before Christmas, too), and I'm happy to report that the show "Hoarders"  has helped us in our case for giving up the little trinkets and such things that little girls love to cling to...petals from a flower picked last summer, stones from the driveway, little pine cones kept because...well because they are cute...and the like.  Not to mention the toys that have been loved and need to move on because they are no longer used, or the toys that were never really loved after being opened at a previous festivity.  How can we make way to receive the new, if we are not prepared to let go of the old?
  The memories attached to an object can keep us too grounded in the past.  It is too easy to think you need the object to keep your memory special.  There are ways to help preserve a special moment without keeping yourself fettered from living in the present.  So many sweet pictures drawn by little hands would fill a library, but perhaps our digital world can lend a hand.  Taking pictures of the special scraps of paper and turning them into a compact picture book could help keep the clutter down, and remind the little ones that you love their offerings. But, our children need to learn to give generously, and to live freely in this materialistic world, and they will not be able to love people and like things if they are holding their possessions in too tight of a grasp.
  Children aren't the only ones that hold tightly to their things.  Parents, too, need to hold their possessions lightly, ready to let go when asked by the Master, for our children will see and learn from our example. But my mind began to ponder this purging to things less material.  Do we not sometimes hold a past offense of a family member or friend a little too tightly?  Sometimes we allow the pain of things gone by to cripple us from receiving the freedom of the life God offers now.  We build a little fortress of self-righteousness and we think that the other needs to pay penance before we will let go of the offense.  We seldom realize that the only one fettered by our un-forgiveness is ourselves.  Lonely in our grief, we linger too long over the pain and it begins to turn to a caustic substance called bitterness.  There is no room in a heart full of bitterness to receive the new gifts God wants to give.  We can not see where we are going if we are constantly scrutinizing where we have been.  Forgiveness purges the heart, freeing us to make room for what God offers next.
  So today, I have been examining my home and my heart, and the purging of both,  keeping me free from the ties that bind. 

Leaving a Barrier

  Spring is the busiest season in our home.  It's filled with testing and field trips, and multiple concerts for band and chorus.  By the time Spring Break rolls around, I am more than ready to find a quiet place to curl up with a cup of tea and a book.  But there have been several weeks recently where I found that life was hurtling at such a monstrous pace, that I couldn't give an honest answer to my husband when he asked me how I was doing.  I honestly didn't know.  I hadn't been still long enough to have any clue as to HOW I was doing.
   This strange occurrence has been happening more frequently than I would care to admit.  So I began to take stock of our life, and tried to find a few things we could cut out in order to leave the much needed barrier for quiet and reflection.  I don't know about you, but I desperately need that barrier, or buffer, of time to allow space for evaluation. Space to know how those in my care are faring, including myself.  As the main nurturer of the family, it is my job to have my finger on the family's pulse.  And what I was feeling and seeing wasn't good.
  Too many responsibilities, expectations taken on from those around us, and too many activities, makes for a group of harried roommates, but doesn't build the foundation of a family team.  Ryan and I have had a call and vision for a family team since day one, and we would be fools to think that we need to take on more during this time of our lives if it caused us to sacrifice that dream.  Even ministry and church activities can put a strain on a family team, especially during the young, foundation-laying-years of raising elementary and pre-school aged children.  Just because an activity is a good thing, doesn't mean that it needs to be in your life. There are more good opportunities out there than can possibly be incorporated into a family's life, one must be careful in her choices.
  This is one of the reasons our girls do not participate in group sports. Don't get me wrong, we have nothing against them, but we have seen how disconnected our lives would be as a family if we were always separating to follow each child's practice and game schedule.  So when the girls have lessons we work hard to find something they are all interested in doing, and then pray for the opportunity to find those lessons so that they happen all at one time. It has taken patience, and creativity, but the Lord has always provided a way.
  This time around, I had to take a break from blogging, and talking on the phone with friends, or even watching t.v., until the whirlwind settled.  I also had to turn down a couple of leadership roles for our homeschool group next year.  Knowing that the youngest child will be joining the ranks of the homeschooled in our family, means that I will be homeschooling all five little ladies in our home, and there will be even less time for me to know how I am doing.  So leadership roles and other roles of ministry will have to take a back seat until my family matures and is more able to stand on their own firm foundation. Then I may be free enough with my time to take on more outside opportunities to share.   If I concentrate on how God wants me to walk during this stage of my life, perhaps He will give me the honor of teaching the younger ladies in the way they should go.  But, for now, I would only be the blind leading the blind.
  There is a scripture verse that God has been making a theme in my life:

Psa 16:6  "The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance."

These "lines" are my boundaries, and life is full of them. We can kick at them and push them, but the ones that God places in our lives are for our benefit and rest.   I want to remember to leave room for them, for they are a barrier of protection for us as a family, and as followers of Christ.